10th/March/2018 Saturday

Fucking Saturday again. I fucking hate Saturdays. 

It’s the day my fucking ex husband comes to take our son away. I have to see his monstrous face every fucking Saturday. I have no fucking choice. I do it for my son who loves his dad. 

Everytime I see him in person, he reminds me of all the pain he’s caused me. All my wounds suddenly start coming out fresh in that short interval of time. All the mental and physical abuse, infedilities, all those nights I spent crying and wanting to die, all those bruises and scars. Why cant I just not ever see him!! 

My son was at his dads house today and I missed him. Sometimes I get scared what if his dad just never shows up with him, what if he runs away with my son!! I am not crazy. I know this man can go to any extent to get what he desires. This is my fucking life every  Fucking Saturday, I can’t eat or rest or even think right until my baby comes home in the evening.

I did nothing today but just lied down in bed all day. One of those days that I feel super depressed and I’ll get out of my bed just to pee. I can’t function.

But I got out of bed anyway. Wanted to make something to eat for my son. Then I got a call that he will be eating dinner with his dad so he will be already asleep when he is brought home at night. 

When I went to pick him, he was asleep in the car. He heard my voice and came running to me and hugged me. God! These are the best moments of life. He didnt want to talk or walk up to his room. So I brought him up here and he just fell asleep. I can finally rest too. Damn! What would I do if I didn’t have this beautiful little person in my life.

 

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