3/10/18 — i hate funerals

I really dislike funerals. 

Today was my Great Grandma Archie’s funeral. She had passed away back on the sixth. I am so glad that she died peacefully in her sleep. For the last few years of her life, she was suffering. Both her physical and mental health slowly deteriorated over time. She had severe Alzheimer’s that caused her to forget about even her own family. She needed help getting out of bed, she needed help getting around, she probably needed help wiping her own butt. My grandma, aunt, uncle, and cousins had their entire life devoted to taking care of her. This death may be extremely hard on everyone but it’s for the best. She’s no longer suffering, and my family can start focusing on taking care of themselves now.

I dressed up all nice and fancy. A pair of black slacks, a black t-shirt under a black button-up, black dress shoes and socks, and to top it all off, I wore a gray tie. I’m not much of a tie person but honestly I looked cute in my getup. Too bad this was a funeral and not a wedding or a dance. 

I got to see a lot of family there. Most I didn’t really recognize. I got to see one of my aunts, my Nanny Dawn, who I haven’t seen since I graduated. While waiting for the ceremony to begin, I went with her drive to get her some coffee. And we talked a whole lot. It was a great bonding moment. She revealed that she new I was gay—one of my aunts who I’d come out to had told her—and she told me she wants me to go visit her sometime soon. Which I’d love to do so I can spend time with her and my cousins.

When we got back, the ceremony started soon after. And it was sad. Not gonna lie, I cried. It wasn’t seeing her lifeless body that got me. It was seeing and hearing everyone cry and weep over her. It’s usually the reactions of others that makes me feel anything. I feel bad because of that. Am I just heartless? I didn’t spend that much time with Maw Archie but I should have at least shed a tear without the influence of everybody else. I couldn’t even tell if I was crying over her, or if I was crying over everybody else’s loss.

The ceremony was all very religious. A lot of prayers, a lot of religious songs playing in the background, a lot of standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting, et cetera. I felt like I was the only person in the entire church who had no idea what any of the words to any of the prayers were. Everyone else recited them without fail. Guess I must have been the only atheist in the room.

I was one of the pallbearers for the funeral. Not exactly sure what that meant exactly, but I, along with my dad and four or five other men helped to carry the casket down the aisle, out of the church, and into the hearse. We followed the hearse to the cemetery. Me and the other pallbearers helped take the casket out and brought it into the mausoleum. Everyone around said their “I love yous” and their “Goodbyes”. Some of the family members went to my aunt’s house, where Maw Archie had lived most of her life, to have dinner. I just went home. I didn’t want to deal with being around people anymore.

I guess after we left they raised the casket up and put it in the same tomb that held Maw Archie’s husband who has died in the eighties. I think it’s pretty sweet to be buried along with your dead significant other. Kinda morbid, but sweet.

Anyways, I’m home. I ate two spicy chicken patties. Now I’m tired. Marcus started texting me more today. Which I guess I’m happy about. Except he’s depressing as hell. And nothing I say seems to raise his spirits. He just messaged me “hi” but honestly I feel like sleeping before I talk to him.

That’s all for this entry.

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