Saturday March 10th

My book arrived for my class yesterday. I tried to read some of the assignment this morning. I really don’t think I have any desire whatsoever to be a principal. I really don’t. I am only doing this because I need a way out of the classroom and I want to make more money. I am terrified that I will never get hired in one of these jobs and that I’m spending this time and money for no reason. I know of other people that have their certification complete, but have not been able to get an admin job. I haven’t talked to any of them about it to find out if they are even trying to get a job, though, or how much effort they’ve put into getting an admin job. I cannot even fathom being a principal- THE principal. At most, I would want to be an assistant. I chose to get my certification in special ed because I knew there was a demand for sped teachers, not at all because it was my dream in life to be one. I am scared to death about spending this money on tuition and that it might not pay off. Scared to death. I am scared of making a bad decision. Most of my decisions have been bad or wrong, so why would this one be any different? 

Later, that same day…

It’s 8:18 pm. I’m in my bed. I took John to the doctor today for his shots. I was worried about the lump in his front leg and the one on his shoulder. The vet didn’t seem to be worried about it. He has gained a lot of weight. I’m sure I have, too. We haven’t been walking at all. I am so tired all the time. I am going to do better when school is out. I am just too tired to do anything when I get home from school. 

I have been really depressed today. A song came on the radio when I was coming home from John’s vet appt. It said something about a 3 day beard, and I thought about how long it had been since I have even touched a man’s face. I thought about what a man’s face feels like. It hurt me and made me feel really alone. My dream I had this week about me and my boyfriend that wasn’t actually anyone I’ve ever known made me sad, too. I wanted the dream to be real. I want the life I had in the dream where I was in a relationship and was happy and goofing around with someone that loved me. My real life is so lonely. There is nothing I can do about it, though. I am sad and tired and now I’m stressed about this class I’m taking, too, on top of everything else. Today was an I want to just die day. My real life sucks I am old now so I don’t even have the beauty of youth on my side. I am old and alone. Dorothy was talking about flirting with people- Um, I’m way too old to act like that. I would just be making a fool out of myself. I don’t have much, but I at least would like to maintain some dignity. 

I’m alone and I’m sad. 

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