Every morning lying there in bed with no willingness to get up. Some part of me even wishes that I had never woken up, that I could just fade away because it seems so much easier than dealing with all the things I deal with everyday. How wonderful would it be to just pass away while you’re asleep, no pain! An end to all the battle you don’t want to put up with….
And then the moment comes when I suddenly realize why I keep fighting, Why I keep going on with the tiny bit of energy that I have. I summon all my strength to get up off bed because my 4 year old needs breakfast, he needs to be dressed for school, I know I’m needed.
I hold his little face and kiss him good morning and watch him eat breakfast and wonder what did I ever do to deserve him and feel immensely guilty for wanting to disappear. I must be so selfish!
I fight everyday, one by one. It’s never perfect. I just manage somehow. I show up every other day wherever im needed to be. I do what I have to do everyday. I fight, despite anything because my child needs me.
Somedays I want to give up so bad, but I also want to see my child grow up, to see him graduate, to see him turn into a wonderful man, to see him fall in love, to see him get married and raise his kids. How stupid I must be to give up on all these moments that’s yet to come!! So I’ll stay! I’ll do the best I can. My son gives me hope. He gives me strength to carry on, to live. He gives me reasons not to give up. He is my Anchor.