The reality is never as good as you imagine.
I knew and I still wanted to. I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt cheating with you again.
“Hey good lookin’” as I climbed into the passenger side. God, how can I fancy a voice so much?
You asked me how it felt to be a genius. I don’t know why I like it so much that you think of me as a full package. I guess I know I’m not because the ‘full package’ wouldn’t be so disloyal. I don’t need your appreciation or your respect, and yet I lap it up.
We drove around with no idea where we were going. Until you realised I wasn’t wearing any underwear. It didn’t take you long to pull into a lay by. Give me your hand you said as I went to lower the chair. Little things that make me want more than this. Why do I want more?
It was over quicker than I expected. Or maybe not really. You joked about being out of practice. “We can practice” is all I said, paired with a sly smile.
Lying side by side in your car, elbows propped up, staring at each other…You were grinning at me and I know that I hadn’t stopped smiling back. Your sweater draped over my naked body, a sweater my dad would wear. That’s because you’re old enough to be my dad.
We’re different people, and we’re never going to be friends. I know you know and maybe that’s why you simply laughed and leaned in again. It’s a temporary ruse, isn’t life about the excitement? Too much small talk. I kissed you slower, wanting to enjoy it. I suppose I knew it was never going to be the same after everything that had happened, we’re warier now. And so maybe it made sense that I felt like you were nervous… yet mine had completely subsided. I have the power. I know I do. I knew when you started draping your fingers over my body, I can have anything I want. I’m the cream and you want to keep it.
You drove me back home, commenting on my ‘cheeky smile’ as I watched you drive. I’ve heard you say this before. To your wife. You have a mole next to your left eye, and it reminds me of an ex. His was on the right and it always bothered me. Funny how things change. You pulled over a few doors down and we chatted more comfortably this time. You apologised that we didn’t have more time, suggesting you would sort a better arrangement out for next time. You told me how last year your family holidayed without you, because you couldn’t get time off work. Wishing I’d pounced on you sooner. Even when you talk about her, I don’t flinch.
It’s never in a good light, always slightly snarky. I don’t quite believe it.
You asked me whether C was having a leaving party and I joked that I was pushing for it. After all, a work event is how this all started. I know that if it happens, this time I won’t stop. I’ll be the one leading you off. This mess almost makes me feel alive.
As I went to leave you said thank you and I laughed at you, “words of a deprived man”. Maybe I’m not as funny as I think but you chuckled anyway. You don’t laugh, you definitely chuckle. You’re aged. I always wanted an older man.
I know I am being juvenile, but I’m enjoying it.