I think its time to admit that I lost this power for quite a while.
When I was in college, I was free and strong– I got into this mess where I fought for my principles against the entire batch and I was the only one. Still, I did not give a fuck. However, after that mess, I got into another mess. The second one broke me mentally and emotionally. After that, I tried to find a place where I can be myself– and there was none.
It was one of my motivations in law school. Why I wanted to achieve a lot and achieve far. I wanted to be relevant. I wanted it to be a revenge against people who demeaned me and stabbed my back. It was like saying, “fuck you after all”. But a few years after, I’m still here. In law school. And everyone went on with their lives. I guess, that’s why I am feeling depressed at times. I am no longer relevant. I am no longer that person “who had a bright future” if not for the first mess. I am no longer the person who is unbreakable, who can go far in life. I am no longer the person who doesn’t give a fuck.
After college, I wanted a clique where I can belong to. I want a group that will love me. But at the same time, I struggled to have a voice of my own. I struggled to have an identity of my own. And I always felt like I ended up being misunderstood. Maybe its a struggle of being proud– of someone who still did not want to give a fuck but at the same time who was in denial of the possibility that “maybe, I do”.
Now, there is that loneliness that seeps through me. I want to be strong. I am strong. But at the same time, I can feel so small and so insignificant. I want to look smart and independent and fierce as a woman. But in reality, I do these to just look the part- not be it.
I miss the old me, the person who is not a slave of other people’s impressions. I never thought of myself as a people-pleaser. And at times, when my principles come out, I am definitely not. But it can be lonely. Sometimes. More than sometimes.
I think the old me will come back when I become significant again. When I get my law degree. But I know when the old me comes back, its not because of the thought that others will look up to me but because I am now proud of myself.