Let me tell you about the shit show of a day I had.
Today was probably one of the most difficult days for me. I had a tightening and heavy feeling in my chest majority of the day. Shortness of breath, and a sense of panic every now and then.
Jen picked me up and we got coffee. We talked about how I’m falling for someone who doesn’t feel the same way back.
Sounds cliche, I know. But the thing is the person told me a week before I decided to come see them for a weekend that we weren’t looking for commitment. I mean that was fine because I wanted the same thing right? Someone to talk to, someone who kept you company during the day with texts and snapchats. Harmless fun.
Well I was wrong there. I should have known myself better. After the weekend I was sure I had fallen head over heels for this person.
As soon as I left to go back home that weekend I knew I made a mistake.
And there it was, Monday morning rocked up and it was time for work.
My weekend was great, but now it’s back to reality. When Jen dropped me off to work, the tightness feeling in my chest happened. It was weird so I just ignored it.
As the day progressed I found myself not doing work, instead, looking for houses to moved out to. My current living situation isn’t ideal and I need to get out. Although the thought of being completely alone was fucking overwhelming, I knew I had to get out.
So there I am, checking my phone to see if that person had replied on my phone; he hadn’t, and flicking to realestate.com getting frustrated because I couldn’t find that perfect place.
I was stressed.
I hadn’t even eaten anything in the morning so my stomach was grumbling but I wasn’t even hungry.
That’s when it happened. I feel the tightened in my chest push harder and harder making it very hard to breathe. I was panicking in my mind knowing I couldn’t let this show because I was in a room full of my co-workers.
My throat choked up and water begins to flood my eyes.
Trying to not make it obvious, I keep my head down with my face directed to my phone. I hear Brodie, my friend in the background. I quickly text him to meet me in the next room.
I quickly get up and he comes in the next room. He asks me what’s wrong but I could barely get a word out.
Brodie tells me to breathe. Counting back from 10.
I think I had a fucking anxiety attack.
He understood, because he gets them all the time. The difference was, I don’t know how to deal with it, and it was the first time I’ve ever had one in public.
It was strange. I found it hard to continue the rest of the day.
The feeling stayed with me all day. I was getting so frustrated with work because I was having such a shit day. Everything kinda balled up into one big ball of nonsense and I couldn’t really take it.
Towards the end of the day, work turned around and I started making a few sales. That didn’t change my mood or the fact that I still felt like crap.
7:15 hits and I’m 15 minutes past my going home time. Everyone leaves and I realise I don’t even wanna go home yet and weird as that sounded. I go get fish and chips, take it back to the office and watch an episode of Vikings. Alone. I felt at peace in that extra 40 mins I was at work.
I got home late, got ready for bed thinking tomorrow is a new day.
4 hours after laying in bed I’m still awake…writing this. 1:04am the next day and I still nervous, anxious, worried and frustrated. Still feel that heavy feeling and I can’t sleep.
I’m gonna wake up tired tomorrow.
What a shit time.