You broke me

Over the past couple of years, I have spent my time being there for everyone. No matter what trouble it would cause me or what I was going through. I pushed myself to be there for everyone and anyone. I made a decision that no one I knew had to feel the way I did or go without and if I had the ability to change that, I would. And so I did. I worked extra jobs, stayed up later and later, barely sleeping, taking care of people day in and day out. After a while I became numb. I didn’t feel like I knew I should have been able too, I detached from everyone; including my own family and friends. Yet I smiled, I took on more and more problems, slept less – sometimes not at all- even my close friends started to worry. They could tell I was constantly tired, I wasn’t the same as I was before. I ended up in hospital two years ago from exhaustion, pneumonia and severe asthma. I was there for three weeks. I had lost 28kgs in two months, gotten too sick to walk and nobody had known how bad I had gotten thanks to baggy clothing. I was drained, mentally and physically. I got told by the doctors that I would end up back in hospital if I kept pushing myself so much.

Months later, I had quit two of my three jobs and I had started going out again, this is when I had first spoken to a person that seemed so at ease in their life, I knew it was possible. Months later from meeting her, I met her again. From then on she became a large part of my life, we got close, fell in love; however it came to an end. Although it came to an end, it was the most brilliant, happiest year I have ever had. She made me smile like no one else before, my heart raced when we shared our first kiss, I remember how complete she made me feel, so purely happy with her, I wanted every moment spent in her presence. I loved her and still too. I can remember the night I came to see her play in her band. How her blonde hair fell perfectly, her eyes sparkled under the lights, how her voice shook my soul and how I instantly craved to get to know her more.

Now, months have been since I have even seen her. We spoke like friends for the past few months, I thought I was finally okay, even though I miss her, I thought I could deal with everything and be okay. But two days ago she called me babe and it went straight through me, it hurt and it broke me. I was out with friends and so instead of breaking down, I just drank until I couldn’t feel anything. I stopped caring about what spirit I was drinking and mixed types, I took shots, I was wasted beyond anything.  I didn’t deal, I went downhill very fast.

Today, she sent me a message that took me an hour to reply. I was tempted not too. She told me how she missed me so much, it felt like I was getting broken into the smallest pieces all over again. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t; but I hurt so much, I can’t deal with this anymore. I can’t just be friends with her. As much as I want too.  I can’t, I love her so much it is killing me to know I can never have her again. So I’m done. With everything, I am done. I can’t do it anymore.

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