I’ve made up my mind.  As soon as Ian gets on his feet, I’m leaving for New Orleans.  I haven’t said anything to him.  He picked a fight again today and I cornered him about our relationship and he stated we weren’t even in a relationship.   He admitted we were but wouldn’t look me in the eye so I know he didn’t mean it.  He probably only said it to get me to stay.  He seemed truly freaked out when I called his bluff and put my meds in the car.  I can sense it and everyone that I’ve talked to sensed that he loves me, a lot.  Yet he doesn’t want to call us a couple.  I really don’t see the relationship, such as it is, going anywhere.  If he truly loves me as much as everyone tells me he does then he would be willing to call us a couple.   But he isn’t. I’m so crushed right now that I want to leave today but I can’t because of money.  Hopefully he’ll have a job and getting a paycheck by the end of the month.  He says he doesn’t want to share me with anyone but I suspect he’s not being faithful to me.  I’m scared, I want to  cry but I just can’t right now.  I’m thinking of checking myself into the hospital.  He claimed he caught me snooping in his phone.  I know I closed that app out so chances are he’s bluffing.  He sees me sad and depressed and doesn’t even ask what’s wrong.  He just throws a fit and assumes it’s because of him.  I feel so alone and scared right now that I don’t know what to do.  Everybody always tells me how strong I am, but I’m not.  I feel so weak.  I feel like a child.  I’m sitting across the table from him crying and he hasn’t noticed.  If he cared, he’d notice and try to comfort me.  As badly as I want to cling to him I know I can’t.  He doesn’t want me.  Nobody does.  The only reason he wants me to stay is because I’m paying for the room.  I feel like he’s just taking me for a ride.  I do feel that he cares for me a lot but he will never say the three words I want to hear, I love you.  Although I’ve told him in my mind a thousand times already.  I’ll be gone the minute he started getting his own money, I suspect.  He says no but I can’t help but think that I will be gone.

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