I’ve pretty much just run out of things to say. I don’t know what to write. I can think what i feel, but somehow it’s harder to write it. Maybe because there’s so much in my head that it would take more than a few minutes to describe what i feel. I feel everything and then i feel nothing. I want to try but i don’t. It’s not an easy choice. It’s not a matter of yes or no, be happy! It’s more than that. I can’t just wake up one day and say i’m happy. Especially when you’ve had 4 years of depression. What inspires me? What keeps me moving forward? I have to do a project on what inspires me to keep going. (laughing sarcastically) Does my teacher really want to know that i don’t even see my future? I can imagine what i want it to look like, but i can’t see it happening. It seems impossible. It’s not, but try telling that to my depression. It might be an excuse, depending on your brain and heart. We all have different opinions. But if you read this and you think that i’m just making a bullshit excuse well … go ahead and think that. I’m still breathing but in some ways i’m not living. I’ve seen things. And experienced things. Horrible, traumatizing things as a kid and as of right now. I have people to talk to, but when i tell them i’m not getting better, they don’t believe me. Apparently I’m just an attetion seeker. Yes, because i keep everything bottled up and just tell you what you want to hear. You never listen to me. You don’t help me. There was only one person i could really talk to, who truly understood me. But she’s gone. I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to give up. But i know … that tomorrow i will get up and do it all over again. I make myself miserable. And that’s my fault. I let the negativities get to me. I’m lost, and i’m not coming back anytime soon.