Dark Paradise

Things have been thoroughly AWFUL. Not only have I been doing completely horrible, reckless things that I shouldn’t be doing…I’m practically bankrupt at the moment and it’ll take a while for my finances to recover. Me and Harry are ok though, he has everything he needs but for the first time I used my dad’s bankcard that he gave me to get things for my mum to pay for the entire shop with some of Harry’s things. My dad said he didn’t mind and if I ever needed to use it I only had to ask. But this was the first time ever I had to pay for Harry’s stuff with his money, it was just nappies and cotton pads and things, nothing really expensive but it felt extremely bad. It’s good I’m low on money right now though, teaches me a lesson. So did having an extremely sore cut on my leg for like a week, at one point I was almost limping with it. It wasn’t because the cut was too deep, it just got a bit infected and I was terrified I was dying of blood poisoning but I took my temperature and I didn’t have one…but I was terrified for Harry, I was really thinking ‘what have I done…’ My leg was a real bother for a fair few days, it was extremely bad and made the rest of my skin feel extremely weird, urgh it’s definitely taught me a lesson. I’m currently trying to lay low and stay on the straight and narrow whilst I try to recover a bit. In the wake of all these reckless, childish disasters I need to lay low. Thankfully I was able to pay for Harry’s nursery this month though. That’s where he is 1-4pm today and why I’m writing here!

My parents have been really ill the past week and a bit, my mum especially; she can’t eat anything solid now because of her oesophagus not functioning normally after all her chemotherapy when she had cancer. When my mum is ill it has a knock on effect on my dad and he gets worse too. He had a quiet word with me about his zopiclone. He knew it was me that was taking them. I apologised and said I would ring the doctor and get him more. He said for me not to but I did…I rang saying I needed to make an urgent appointment and I explained the situation to the receptionist on the phone…luckily she was really nice and said they don’t normally do this over the phone but she wrote a prescription for 14 more zopiclone that she’d get signed by a doctor and it would be ready to pick up at the end of the day. My mum had to get her prescriptions and she went in the middle of the day and would you believe it my dad hadn’t told her I had taken his zopiclone. She came back with all her meds and they’d given her my dad’s meds too with the 14 zopiclone I asked for. Thank goodness I tried to solve what I’d done because I was successful. I’ve been taking my father’s zopiclone for a while so dad has been having to put his prescription for it more often and later that evening after mum collected the zopiclone prescription I’d got written for my father a GP rang asking to speak to my father. It was just a phone call asking if my dad was ok as the alarm bells must have been raised by the pharmacists, but even then my dad didn’t say it was me, he said it was him being careless and stumbling and dropping them on the floor so he couldn’t find them again. As much as my mum is at her wits end about him…there is still a tiny bit of the person called Michael left…a tiny shred of him still remains, but the rest is now consumed by mental illness.

Things with my mum have been awful…my dad doesn’t eat regular meals with my mum and myself and Harry but now it’s just me cooking for Harry and myself. My mum can’t eat any solids at all. I had gone to Asdas to get ensures for her but I was fairly certain they were prescription only. She wanted them because I was prescribed them by a dietician when I was last in Whitchurch as I was underweight from being too stressed out by my anxiety to eat. But I talked to the pharmacist in Asdas and she said ensures were too specialised to be sold in shops but obviously you can buy complans and the other thing she suggested that I wouldn’t have thought of were Slim Fast drinks because they had 26 vitamins and minerals and like 15g of protein in each shake, the pharmacist said these drinks had everything you needed so I brought mum a few of those. It was a useful bit of information I managed to get! My mum has had her referral to a dietician acknowledged but her appointment isn’t till May.

Living with my mum is awful, when she’s bad which is most days she won’t speak to me much, she won’t even look at me in the eyes…she’s lovely and happy when she sees all her friends though or when she talks to my sister on the phone. She leaves the damaging behaviour for myself and dad and then dad gets even worse and I have to cope with him. He gets himself drugged I think and on Mother’s Day he dropped a glass down the stairs and it smashed on the floor at the bottom of the stairs and despite me telling him to get back he proceeded to step all over the broken glass. This was a something like 6:45am because Harry has been waking up at 6:30am every single day. The only time was today when he woke up at 7:15am. The day before Mother’s Day my dad was in bed till 6pm. I had to clean up all the glass though as best I could and Harry still managed to get hold of piece of glass that he gave to my mum…thank goodness he wasn’t hurt by it. I also came downstairs a couple of days ago to Harry waving dad’s small crossbow around. My dad has already been in trouble with social services over it but a letter from my dad’s stand-in psychiatrist said my father wasn’t dangerous. Sometimes the crossbows end up in the house again when they were promised to be locked in the garage. I took the small crossbow off of Harry and put it in the garage where it should be. It was an awful site though seeing my own child waving it around making aeroplane noises with it…I can’t stand those stupid crossbows I want to throw them in the bin but I’m too scared to do anything with them.

Mother’s Day actually wasn’t too bad until mum told me some bad news about Ali. Ali had told me she was pregnant the last time I wrote here but I was too much in a bad mood to write it and I didn’t want to sort of jinx it…though I told one person at Harry’s play & pray group. I knew Ali had been getting her baby’s room ready and she herself painted the room yellow….but then mum revealed that Ali had text her the day before saying she was bleeding a lot and have such bad cramps that she couldn’t sleep. She eventually told mum to leave her be and she did. My mum wasn’t going to say anything to me yet but she did and I’m so glad she did because I was going to text a Happy Mother’s day message to my sister saying she was a mum now and deserved a Happy Mother’s Day greeting. I wandered about the house with high anxiety. I decided to give mum her Mother’s Day gifts…obviously I’d gone overboard because I haven’t been feeling well and I got her way too much stuff…she was very happy with it all though so I best see the positive in that one. Why not spoil your mum on Mother’s Day…I can feel a bit more easy about that one. After opening all the presents my mum was in a much better mood but my mum got a phone call from my sister who was crying 🙁 Miscarriage, she said. But I said I wasn’t going to accept it until it had been confirmed by a doctor! I wanted to remain positive…I did have some hope left but Ali told me last night the miscarriage had been confirmed that evening. What’s even worse is I cried when I told someone at the play & pray group yesterday that she’d miscarried and I don’t know why. I generally feel sad by it. I can’t stand it when pregnancies, babies or young children die I just can’t stand it. I felt stupid because it’s not my problem to cry over. I just looked like an attention seeker but I’m not I do feel that sad about it and I feel guilty that I managed to get pregnant even though I’d overdosed and was going to throw myself off a bridge and was in A&E most days getting stitches in my arm from all the self harm…URGH. But I know Ali & Jon will have a child, of course they will. Poor Ali. She text me saying she felt sad and I was thinking my gosh of course you’d feel sad I would have been devastated if Harry had miscarried.

Urgh. Everything just feels horrible. I don’t know how I’m carrying on. I have had two anxiety attacks that were awful but I only have myself to blame. The pills arrived though from the internet so I’m ok again and carrying on. I don’t know what to do. I’m doing everyone’s washing again because I feel so bad about what my parents have been going through and I did the washing up while mum was at the hospital today on a little course to help her cope with what’s happening to her. I think she’s getting counselling again through a cancer charity which I think is definitely what she needs.

I’m still taking Harry to all his groups and I even drove him to play at Ashley and Jack’s house last Friday and we spent the day playing there. I haven’t spoken to Ashley again much because of all that’s been happening and I’ve been so exhausted waking up at 6:30am every day caring for Harry on my own with my ill parents causing dramas and mess. I am not blaming them though I’m just saying the situation isn’t nice but I know there’s a hell of a lot worse.

You wouldn’t believe how stressed out I’ve been. I’ve felt so guilty about the money and the pills and being so tired that I’ve had no patience for Harry and have been so grumpy with him a lot of the time. I don’t want to be like that towards Harry, he’s so little and innocent, he thankfully hasn’t got a clue what’s going on right now but he’s now starting to copy things and becoming a lot more observant though. I have to be really careful…everyone has to be really careful. He’s staying with his dad this weekend and I’m actually really looking forward to it, not because I dislike my child but I have a chance to rest after all this and try sort myself out a bit more! Harry doesn’t have to be here with my ill parents. I think a week ago one night after Harry had gone to bed and because I cuddle him to sleep in my bed at the moment I fell asleep with him a week ago and I woke up to my mum screaming and crying that she had throat cancer. She doesn’t by the way but her anxiety about her eating and it being cancer again is extremely high at the moment.

Anyway I better eat something. I know I’ve been a terrible person and mother please no one say it to me.


Leave a Comment: