Thursday, March 15, 2018
Eight days instead of nine.
Before March break, I was doing a lot of writing and artwork. I managed to submit my Poetry Anthology and I began my art piece. I tried a new medium and it didn’t quite work out. I was disappointed and my teacher was disappointed for me but showed support for trying something new. Afterwards, I relaxed quite a bit and didn’t do all that much during the weekend or my free days. I mostly relaxed, began two 30 days exercise challenges, fangirled over Harry Potter, wrote fanfiction, helped staff a little, and looked over my cat (Ti-Gris). He’s been very sick as of late. What worries me is that he’s getting old, therefore it wouldn’t be surprising if he dies because of this. He seemed to do better today, but he also refused the treats he loves and never refuses. I don’t know what I’ll do if he passes away. I cried over it the other day, as would anyone, but it’s been going on for quite a few days, so I’m ready now if it were to happen. However, no matter how much I’m ready for it, it won’t be any easier. I hope he gets better soon, but it’s entirely possible that he doesn’t. I’ve known him ever since I was a toddler. I remember crying at times because he or my other cat didn’t want to hang out with me. Once my other cat passed away he became very affectionate towards me. I grew to love him even more than before and it became a routine for him to come and follow me around after I came back from school. I would also cuddle with him in my bed and let him on my lap while I was on the computer at that time. My parents said they’ll get another cat afterwards, but I don’t want another, at least, not for a while. I’m not sure how I would live without a cat, but I wouldn’t be able to move on if we got another too soon.
I’m rereading the entries I wrote when my other cat passed away. It was so close to my birthday; May 17th, 2016. My birthday is the 24th. I can’t imagine it’s going to be two years of that soon. It felt like only a year ago. Then again, I don’t remember death dates of people dear to me, since I tend to cut that out of my life, but I’ll never forget the moments that I learned about their death or saw them afterwards (I never saw someone die in person).
Rereading that entry is so hard. It’s also scary how it seems that I’m reliving exactly the same situation with my cat now; the feeling better at times, but ultimately sick.
It was near my birthday, I was sick, I was concentrated on a science quiz, on an art composition… I couldn’t be there for my cat, I didn’t want to cope with the fact of losing him; I wanted to escape reality, I even tried to with Harry Potter. Escapism has always been my coping mechanism. I’m not sure if I want to be there for the other. I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to my other one, but then again I regret not being there for my other cat and giving it the last moments of love it needed. When reading the entry, it seems that I regretted not spending enough time with him. I remember now; that’s a special reason as to why I got more attached to my other cat than ever before. However, I always blamed myself for not spending enough time with somebody once they pass away. In fact, when my great uncle who passed away recently, I felt the exact same way. Granted I didn’t see him for a long time so obviously, I would, but I felt the same way with my grandparents, and as an outsider, someone would say that I did spend a good amount of time, but I never feel as if I gave them the love they deserved. It’s odd when we always blame ourselves in situations like these and often say we weren’t good enough to whoever passed away. There’s no reason to blame myself, but I do. I wish I didn’t. Then again, it makes me show more love to other people.
Also, I never thanked the kind words and condolencesO the skater, PrettyInBlack and Savedbygrace gave me. Thank you for that.
Other than that, I called my employer today about working this summer. He wasn’t straightforward, the same as last year. I might have to apply for other jobs because he only calls a week before I start working. I don’t want to apply for other jobs but at the same time, I would much rather work somewhere else. We’ll see.
I also continued writing the novel that I promised Knight. I plan on giving her chapters every month or so. Right now, I’m reworking the outline and characters again. However, the concept and most important characters remain mostly the same.
That’s all for today.