Sleepless….

Saw the Med Dr last week and have cut back on the one med I want to stop. Of course the other  med with its not sleeping component is keeping me from sleeping. I knew it was going to happen but it’s worse then I thought. I’ve decided to stop it also, haven’t seen the dr about that and although it’s not the best way to do it, I’m cutting on of the tabs in half and will take it up with him when I see him in two months. I think I just want to stop them all except for the sleep one as I know I won’t sleep anyway. It does however feel nice to not be so drugged! I’m liking this new work cycle and it will be a good time to try all this. I’m not stupid to understand that if I lose this work for summer, I will still be bipolar and that I will be upset. I’m still all that but it’s calmer with the meds. I just don’t want to and am willing to see what it looks like after all these yrs. Again worse case I go back on meds…..My X, if you want to label him that, called out of the blue. It’s been yrs since we talked and after a couple of minutes I realized that I’m so glad that were are not doing anything together. He’s wacked out like my sister and OH MY GOD just warped! I have to say that hearing what he has done and where he is…I’m not that bad in the stupid foolish stuff I’ve done. I also spoke with my cousin that I like and she is having problems in her marriage. I’ve known for yrs that it was a issue for her, but at this point they are seeing someone and I hope at least that they work it out. I don’t like her husband much, he’s the one that has the fun comments for me about drinking. It’s OK for me to be home and have my own way of living healthy or not, not of course…or at least based on what I think is healthy. I have my own fantasy place and so be it. I’m safe and has long as I’m careful of what I do or say and understand although things seem neutral at this moment, the other side comes and I just need to be on guard. Never relax! Know that it’s coming! Don’t trust! In the end it’s best to hold on to the belief that it’s hopeless and best to not have faith in what is now as it will change. If I look at it and never hold on to that it’s worked out, when it doesn’t I won’t be shocked or upset and it will make not being medicated OK. There ya go. I will walk today while the car is serviced, I will quickly wipe down the inside first, I  have a man and a house I’m working with for my fantasy and I’m dysfunctional, socially inadequate, frozen with Fear and it’s better this way. Thanks 

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