My husband is suicidal.

My husband is suicidal. As much as anyone is without committing suicide. He told me weeks ago and I just wasn’t at all surprised. He’s been so angry and distant lately. the problem is with my husband that he won’t *try*. I’ve had PTSD, depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies since I was 6 years old (when I was put in the mental hospital for the first time). I GET THIS! I really do. But he is like my mother, he wants to wallow in it. And he’s like this with everything. He becomes Eeyore. this is what concerns me- will he get better? Or will he pick pick pick until he gets worse and worse? I finally convinced him to get back on medication (he has had depressive episodes before) but we have to wait a month before he can even be seen by a shrink. 

Meanwhile, I’m still dealing with my crushing depression, all of these kids not listening to me or respecting me, my attempt at weight loss via Weight Watchers, and him. And he’s sooo much. Because I’m so afraid of losing him that I am returning to old patterns that I did with my mother as a kid when she would threaten to kill herself if she didn’t get her way. I’m so afraid of making the wrong move with him. I try to make everything easy but none of it is enough. Of course, logically I know none of it will be enough because I’ve been here many a time, myself. I’m having emotional flashbacks to living in the hell that was my childhood home, trying to make him happy by slicing a little bit of myself off and feeding it to him. 

He says I am the only reason he is still alive. I don’t want to be the only reason he is still alive. I want him to be stronger than that. I don’t want that on me. Again. But I don’t think he understands how bad it is to rely solely on me in this way, for the both of us. And can I tell him? Of course not. Because what if that is what does it? What if that is what ends it all?

I feel miles away from him. I feel like I am trying to build a bridge to him and he won’t even look up and acknowledge me. Until I stop building the bridge, anyway. I’ve never felt this way in our marriage and we’ve been married going on 15 years now, together almost 16. 

A big part of me feels this is all a reaction to my depression. When I am not doing well he usually does worse in response. This is why I try to be positive around him and keep how I am feeling to myself unless it is positive. But lately, I haven’t. Lately, I’ve been honest and I’ve let it show in how I have let things like the house go. I don’t think he can handle it. I think he really does rely on me to carry his moods, his emotions. I want to start acting better and see if he does better. That will prove it. But what will I do if I do prove it? Where do we even go from there? 

I love this man. He is a good man. A good provider, father, husband. But I’m realizing his goodness may completely rest on me carrying him there. And I don’t know what to do with that. It terrifies me. 

G.

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