Been keeping really busy doing all kinds of things lately. I thought this would help to keep my mind busy and ensure I don’t go crazy but some days are worse than others. I’ve noticed that my depression is officially out of my control. I’ve managed this on my own my entire life and now, I’m worried that I won’t be able to cope on my own. It’s weird, some mornings I’ll be motivated and positive and ready to tackle the day and other days, I’m ready to shut it all down and leave this planet. I’ve always been very quick to give up but not like this. Not to this extreme. My demons have been with me for many years and I am very aware of when they come and go. Alcohol used to be a good coping mechanism but that ended up escalating and getting out of control and took an entire decade of my life away. I managed to get that under control and likely won’t go back to it but now I am stuck with the demons and need to develop a new coping mechanism. I know how my demons work at my age though which is good. Divide and conquer. My mind will get hung up on simple things which I cannot seem to let go of and I will focus on these ridiculous issues until I nearly break down screaming in rage. I guess you could call these triggers. I might have to start documenting what these are and tracking them.
My temper is at it’s shortest to date. My anger and rage are at its peak since I was a young man and now I suspect that I might repeat certain things which got me in lots of trouble when I was younger. I’ve come a long way and made tremendous improvements in my life over the past 15 years so to see it get blown up by one stupid act would be devastating.
As I mentioned earlier some days are good but it can almost change in an instance. Imagine working in a job you hate for 13 years, out of town, losing all your friends, no woman in your life (until recently) and finally having to swallow that pill of acceptance. Learning how to accept yourself. Each day is hard enough when you have an enormous list of things to do including finding a job, managing a portfolio of stocks (would conveniently crashed after my layoff), managing my relationship with my girlfriend while hating yourself for everything you’ve done in your life. I want to do so much but it’s just not realistic…..I need to accept myself. I’m doubtful that will happen anytime soon.
I know better than to think this way and I am very, very good at putting on an incredible show of positivity, focus, and good health. I’ve received this feedback directly from my psychologist who’s tried to break me down and get inside my head. It never works because I can only tell her so much without compromising our relationship.
I plan to utilize this journal as one of my coping mechanisms and pursue my other writing aspirations.