[1] In the crossfire of an affair

I’m not the mistress. I am the wife. 

My husband had an affair almost 16 years ago and it has created a monster in me that I despise. I’ve lost who I am. I hate who I am. I hate what this has done to me as a wife and mother. I fear for what’s next and I just can’t bring myself to trust someone who was/is capable of hurting me in the most horrific way and a few other ways you will find out about. What I did wrong, in the first place, was allow him into the deepest parts of my heart. I learned as a child that you can’t trust people. He broke that wall and blinded me with his charm and caring nature. He promised me he wouldn’t hurt me. He said and did all the right things, and I know that he meant it. I think that’s why I’m still here. 

Im hoping this will be my outlet to vent to. I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. After 16 years of dwelling I fear I have PTSD from this. I know….that might sound like a silly self diagnosis but with the consumption the affair and my trust issues have brought me, I’m afraid that I have developed a few disorders. 

Im angry all the time when I’m around him. I catch myself and try to ‘be nice’ but this monster within says things I know will hurt him. It’s not even about the affair. I have the train of thought ‘why should I continue to suffer?  You should suffer too’. But…it’s ruining us. No….the affair ruined us. It ruined me. It created this person who is hiding behind an online diary trying to find a way to finally heal and find myself again. 

We have two daughters. He showed our family picture to her. Why?  Why do that?

 Our oldest daughter is away at college and our youngest will be in grade 12 next year. I fear that after she is done high school I will leave. I can’t live like this much longer. It’s been years of torture on my heart and head. I want to get better and get back the relationship I know I deserved. I just don’t know if my DH is capable of being the man I need him to be. 

Hes apologized. Swore it would never happen again. I believe him. But i don’t think he won’t do it because of me. I think he won’t do it because of our girls. That’s another entry I will save for later. 

I guess I just feel like I wasn’t good enough. Pretty enough. Skinny enough. I didn’t satisfy him. Why did he venture outside of our relationship. His answer is ‘I was stupid’. Well, I know that!  But it’s not a good enough answer  for me.  We had a great sex life, two beautiful young daughters and we did a lot together. Now we don’t even sit in the same room most of the time at home and haven’t had sex in almost 6 months. Why?  Because, am I good enough? Pretty enough? Skinny enough? Will I satisfy him?  It’s been an awful cycle. I feel shame from the affair and I was the one caught in the crossfire. I didn’t do it!  He did it so why am I the one still suffering?  He doesn’t see that it still bothers me. He ignores that it happened. Asked me to forget about it so we can move on. I can’t. I want to, but I can’t let it go. I wish I could let it go. How do I let it go?

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