Initiation Rites

Today, I’m having all these mixed emotions.

My frat is having its Initiation Rites. Before it, I decided to resign my position because of differences. Its a big thing, even for myself, because quitting is definitely a no-no. But for years, I have differences with the ideology and decision making that I finally had to accept the fact that– maybe I am not frat material. I don’t fit in there. 

Despite that, I stayed for a while (even with conflicting emotions) because I was holding positions and because I felt responsible for either my batch mates or some of the people inside. 

The last argument I had, I had to question myself why I always feel so angry in the frat. Why I always felt misunderstood. I don’t think the person I portrayed in there is the real me. Or maybe it is another facet of me, an angrier one, a frustrated one, a one that feels use and discarded from time to time. Again, I strived to feel relevant. But I don’t have any place there. 

So today, I feel guilty about not attending but I think if I were to make a decision to leave something, I have to leave it entirely. 

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