More steps

I was told once that I am a survivor. Actually, that isn’t exactly accurate. A survivor is one that survives something that is intended to kill you. I didn’t survive my mother’s abuse, I endured it. I endured it because it was drilled into me that doing that was showing that I was a good daughter. That’s what good daughters did. I didn’t survive the abuse from my ex-husband, I endured it. Why did I endure it? I was raised that you didn’t just toss out a marriage, you worked and made it work. Especially for the children’s sake. In either of these cases there was no real threat of death. Neither of these two would have killed me. Had my mother, she would have gone to jail and lost her child support. The child support was more important to her. Had my ex-husband killed me, he would have gone to jail and would have had to pay for everything himself. He really liked money too. In both these cases there was no threat of death. So, I endured. Definitions make all the difference in the world. Now that that’s out of the way I will continue.

 

I endured the abuse from these two people. In both cases finally leaving both behind. In all I’ve been through, it’s not been survival. It’s been endurance. It wasn’t survival that got me dumped off in Georgia at my daughter’s house. It was enduring through what I had to do so that I continued to have a place to live since the Narc was throwing me out of his house. I’ve spoken enough about the Narc and my exes. I wanted to do something a little different this time.

 

First I want to say to a very long standing friend; I would even dare label her as my best friend. We haven’t always seen eye to eye. We’ve gone long periods of not talking to each other. We’ve had our disagreements, but at the end of the day, we’ve always managed to talk things out and become friends. I know that sometimes she wants to just shake the ever loving sense into me. I gotta say that she really is the friend I should have and I appreciate her. She deserves it for putting up with me. My ex-wife. I can never say enough about her. She’s loved my crazy ass through it all. I love that woman. Even though we’re not together any more, still love her to death. She’s been there through thick and thin. My brother. Gods that man and the shit he puts up with. Deserves a medal. I couldn’t get a better brother if I tried and I found him in a box being given away for free (not really). My kids. I will always love them with all my heart, even if at times I really think they’re out to kill me. My adopted parents, Mim and Papa. They remind me what it’s like to have actual parents. Sometimes a girl needs that. Pita, well stay Pita my friend. Love that brody of mine. Finally, the rest of my crazy nut ball friends.

 

Now, that’s cleared up. I’m tired of people pleasing and to be honest I’m not going to do it anymore. I’m also not going to bend over backwards for folks that wouldn’t lift a finger for me if I was on fire. I’m tired of being the one that always apologizes when I’m not even in the wrong. I won’t do that anymore. I am no longer going out of my way for people that normally don’t give me the time of day. Meaning, if I don’t talk to you every day or every other day it will be a good bet that you have no idea about my life to say a single thing.

 

Now I lost two long time what I thought were friends. I wasn’t even sad when it happened. Another just ghosted on me. Again, I couldn’t find myself feeling sad in the least. Out of the three of them, one went to the Narc and became besties with him. Another as I said ghosted. There was another one though and that’s the one I’m going to hone in on. As long as I knew this person, she would constantly come to me and tell me {friend} was saying, doing, etc. Usually it was telling me other person that we knew/friend was being overly dramatic, paranoid, causing problems, talking bad about x, y, and z. Basically I call it waking up. I stopped one day after she sent me a rather condescending message. Now, mind you when I was in a very bad place this and the friend that became besties with the Narc also talked about what I was doing. It took time, but I started to see something. I could basically take the name of whomever she was talking about and add my own to know what she was telling other people. She would always say things like, “well I’m telling you this because I’m your friend, but” and then would say something demeaning or something that would cause issue with another friend. “I’m only telling you this because I’m your friend.” And that alone would put you off because she was so damn good at it that you wouldn’t question it, but instead take it at face value. When I started waking up, I also felt stupid. Why? Because I was always there for her when she needed me. When it was becoming clear for me, I couldn’t believe that I had been taken in like that. Whenever she would stop talking to me for the myriad of reasons she concocted, I would have to be the one to go crawling back and apologize even if I had done nothing. That wasn’t a friend. That was a fake friend and I had been taken in. It was also said that this same friend was running to the Narc to fill him in on things. Whether true or not doesn’t matter any longer. That isn’t a friend. I’m sure she still talks about me, much the same as she used to. Any of her friends can remove my name from what she says to them and insert their own name and well that’s what she says about them.

 

I’m slowly starting to cut people like her out of my life. Some are leaving on their own. I honestly try to be the friend that I want to have. Some have proven over time that that’s impossible for them. I have to remember that has nothing to do with me, but instead says plenty about them. I started this with the people that I am grateful to have in my life.

 

The other day I lost one of my cats and to me that’s like losing one of my children. It was sudden and there was nothing I could do except make sure she knew that she was loved. I stayed with her until the end and I’m sure she knew that she was loved. She was 8 and had a good life. She had been heartbroken when the Narc dumped us off in Georgia. She was always looking for his son. They were buddies. I remind myself that now she can be with her buddy all the time. I take comfort in that. I think that also woke me up more to how I’ve been treated by some of the people I had in my life and that maybe it is time to cut some off. Time will tell, but maybe it is time that I made a stand about things.

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