Amends

Yes, I’m on that step.  It’s been a long arduous journey, but one I’ll cherish forever.  

Dear Bruce,

Please forgive me.  I don’t know exactly when or where my addiction began.  It was fairly recent; not a lifetime as some folks encounter.  I made you objectify your own body.  I bared all for total strangers.  Why?  Partly because my relationship with my loving wife turned more into a system than love.  Partly because I didn’t choose to talk with her about it with her, or with a professional and her.  Partly because we were unable to have coitus anymore.  But most of all, I chose badly.  And it as with all addictions, progressed.  

Last July, I wished and wished I’d not left emails where she could find them.  I’ve relived that over and over in my mind, where I erased them.  Covered my tracks as I’d done in the past.  But getting caught was the best thing that could have happened to me.  It was a gift of desperation that I so badly needed.  Had I not been caught, I would possibly have progressed to weird actual sex.  That could have put me in danger of all sorts of things.  But the worst part would have been the threat to my wife, and as bad, living a secret life.  I hated that part.  

Now I don’t have to have secrets.  I don’t have to lie, or cover anything.  The freedom that has granted me is exhillerating.  And as I work with my wife, yes we still have problems which might never atrophy away entirely, but we are trying.  My body grosses her out now whereas before, she loved it.  That is hard to deal with but we are trying.

So Bruce:  please forgive me.  

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