I’m still here. I know that my last journal entry wasn’t a very good one. So, I figured I should update and say that I’m still here. I’m working through everything. To be honest, it isn’t going very well. Often times when I find myself stuck in a rut and struggling immensely, I often know that I need to seek help in order to get better, but I don’t actually end up doing so. This is for a couple of reasons. First, I’m too scared. I don’t want to worry people. I have a huge problem of putting other people before myself. You’d think this is a good quality to have, but I have it to the point that I’m willing to make myself suffer if it means that I can make other people happy, not hurt anyone, and not worry anyone. It’s a major problem. Now me having this quality causes me to not be able to talk to the people that I know will be able to help me and be there for me. I’ve had people be very supportive of me from the start of this journey. I’ve just stopped trusting them because I often feel like they have had enough of me. I guess it’s just my head talking. It’s hard to get past your own thoughts. Second reason being, I often convince myself that it’s too late. I’ve waited too late, and now there is no point in talking to one. Or, it won’t help me, so there is no point.
The reason that I say all of that is to say this. I’m trying. It’s been incredibly hard. The biggest thing for me to have to learn how to get over is to learn to trust people. It’s hard. I’ve grown so used to feeling alone and not being able to talk to anyone, so now that I have that, it’s hard to get used to.
I’d make this post longer because there is so much going on in my head. Hurt, loneliness, anger, frustration. My mind is constantly running with a million different emotions that is incredibly hard to control and makes it incredibly hard to function. The negative thoughts about my life are still there. I’m just doing my best to push through and keep striving on. It’s all so much and it’s too much to be able to talk about right now.
Have a wonderful night and/or day. Thanks.