Reading and realizing I’m still selfish

I was driving back to Rita’s house after taking Sophie and Pickles to the park. I saw your car roughly parked a few blocks away. Panic and fear flooded me. I had Sophie in the car and I didn’t want to seem afraid but I couldn’t stop the emotions rising in me. So I let it out. I told Sophie how I was feeling in terms she would understand. I wanted to hide my vulnerability from her, but I decided that hiding feelings from kids teaches them that when you’re feeling a strong emotion you have to hide it. I parked in the business lot next to her house, turned my car off and panicked. I turned my car back on and drove around the area for a couple minutes to calm down and figure out what I was going to do. I had 2 energetic dogs in the back and a bored 8yr old in front. Pickles wanted out and i didn’t want him tearing up my car, so I took a few deep breaths and drove back. The whole time I was hoping you had already left, but i still saw your car and the songs playing in my car described how I felt about you perfectly. It was annoying so I turned it off parked in the lot again and got out. As I was getting out I heard Rita’s gate open and close. I knew you were leaving. All my awareness was on you even though I didn’t see you. I was going through the motions of getting pickles under control but my mind was on you. I was too scared to face you. Too ashamed. Too hurt. Too sorry. I kept my back to you as I heard you get into your car. You started it up and I heard you leave. I finally turned around and looked up to see your Prius turning the corner at the bank. What I saw next both pleased and hurt me. I saw you turn your head to look at me. At least, that’s what I want to believe. I knew you’d be curious to see how I was and that pleased me because it showed that in that moment you thought of me. It hurt me because I feel like we were both aware that we could have said “hi’s” and “how are you’s” but neither one of us had the courage to do so. I didn’t have the courage to do so. Just like how I want to apologize again for how I left things with you. How I never talked to you again after taking the ring and then bringing it back without you knowing. You never talked to me either. I’m sorry for damaging the last bit of good that we had between us. I still think about you. In all honesty, I hope you still think about me too.

love, 

Cat

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