I am going to start, once again, to try to keep a journal. I am going to practice mindfulness and setting aside judgments and preconceived notions of what I am writing about. I am going to practice gentleness and kindness with myself — and hopefully what results will be healing and soothing to my heart, soul, and mind.
It’s not easy for me to admit that I struggle with obsessive thoughts of perfectionism and what they represent…it is also not easy to have to say that my competitive spirit and drive almost always comes from an unhealthy place of having to prove myself, of having to be better than someone else, of having to be first — even in the seemingly most insignificant of things. But this is where I am right now. And I hate it very much. But yet I still seem unable or unwilling to change and to move from where I am. Could it be that I prefer the hell that I am currently residing in to an unknown?
The tension and turmoil, chaos and conflict that is surrounding me tonight is at a level that I have not experienced in a long time. And it is not only uncomfortable and confusing but sad and disheartening as well. I don’t manage this well — and so I am trying to figure out how to somehow effectively navigate the rough seas tonight. But it is not very smooth or straight or simple.