22/03/2018

9:59pm- When I look back at my life in the past 10 years, there’s nothing I see to reminiscence about. My heart feels heavy every time I think about it. I try to avoid thinking about my past but there are times I cant help it.

Every relationship that I had been in, ended badly through being cheated on, lied to, abused, deceived, abandoned. None of my relationships were good.

I became that damaged girl that we see in TV or some chick flick movies. But it wasn’t that type of damaged as they show in movies that you get over in a month or some right guy comes into your life and your perspectives change over night. I was truly damaged -without a doubt and I still am and it’s not good.

I’m pretty much certain that my every relationship will have the same result. I doubt I’ll ever be able to maintain a healthy romantic relationship.

My emotional fire has burnt out it seems.
I have been told I’m crazy.
My ex who got caught cheating on me  told me that cheating was an easy choice being with me and I deserved it. Said I was overactive, dramatic. It was my paranoia. Its was my super defensiveness. It was my anxiety. It was my mental health issues. 

He said I was not good for him anymore although he already knew where I came from and how in the beginning he convinced me he understood it and was desperate for a chance from me to let him in my life.He knew it all! And now I’m not good for him because he found somebody new?!

All of this after Ive completely opened myself up to you, offered you my love and commitment and became vulnerable?? Why couldn’t you do it sooner!

Nobody deserves to be betrayed!

So it’s been a while. Although I live a pretty normal life and look like an average normal person, Im always waking around with a broken heart and a damaged soul. The terrible thing is I had busted my ass off to get somewhat repaired for many many years and it came and found me again. And this time it hit me the hardest. So much so that I’m reconsidering every coping mechanism I ever used. Something has died inside me. Fucking damage seems to always punish the ones who don’t deserve it, the ones who are trying to overcome it.

It punishes the ones who are honest, who are not deceptive, who are genuine and sincere.

Nobody wants to be considered damaged.
I don’t feel good labeling myself like that but it’s the truth and I must accept it. And while I truly believe that you can overcome just about any hardship in life, it’s really hard to control what someone else does to you.

People give me a lot of motivational speech, about how should I react to certain things in life. But emotional and physical abuse, infidelity, being lied to and no trust OR respect in a relationship (over and over again) kills something inside you. Most importantly, it takes away your ability to trust again.

I try my hardest to be a strong woman with her own self worth But it might take me a long time. And no matter how much repair work I have done in me, something inside me has died to never be revived again.

2 thoughts on “22/03/2018”

  1. We have been conditioned to believe that everyone should be in a permanent monogamous relationship and if we are not able to do this there must be something wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with you. Concentrate on yourself and your kid/s and when the time is right the universe will present you with an opportunity you may not have expected. If you are meant to be in a long term monogamous relationship you will be, otherwise, find other satisfactions in life. All the best x

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