how you left me

-i sincerely hope you find happiness in its purest form, no matter who its with or how it happens. i will continue to pray of that for you. i’m not hurt that you need your own space to build yourself back up, i’m hurt by the ins and outs of how you handled everything leading up to that realization.

-you knew that you still had feelings for her before you pursued me. i should not have been a test to see if you were capable of moving on. so what was i?

-you must have known for a while that you were losing interest/ needing space and i explicitly asked you a week before: are you done with me? and you said no like it was the most absurd overreaction in the world. why weren’t you honest with me then?

-you were incapable of communicating with me effectively about how you felt and that left me in the dark. you saw this end coming and didn’t think to warn me of the disaster that lay ahead.

-was i a secret with your friends and family? who knew about me? was i something to be ashamed of? i lose sleep over wondering why i wasn’t worthy.

-i will never be your ex. never as pretty or beautiful or hot or whatever it was that you saw in her. i won’t, because i am me. and i am not perfect in any regards but i cared so deeply and rawly and honestly and genuinely for you. and that should be enough. i shouldn’t be your second option, your back up ¬†because your first pick is taken.

-when you called me unique and said that nobody ever made you feel that way i did, did you mean it? if so, why didn’t you let me in? why was there always something blocking us from completely committing to each other/ i know it wasn’t me, because i let you in more than any person on this planet.

-i regret that

-you got mad when i said i would be outside my mind to ever be vulnerable again. you said this wasn’t forever. but i don’t know if i want our love story to continue. i don’t think i trust it or you.

-if we try again, what changes? what’s stopping this from happening again? life has so many ups and down and unfortunately, you’re probably going to hit another place in life where you’re struggling deeply. are you going to push me away again? are you going to break up with me then too so you can go through it alone?

-do you really expect me to trust you again? after all i’ve told you i’ve been through and the way you seemed so genuinely honest when you looked in my eyes and brushed my hair and said you’d never left that happen to me again. now i’ll never know what to believe. i’ll never know a lie from the truth.

-all you had to do was stay

-“i am not pushing you away, i am holding on for dear life but i need you to need me back… why won’t you ever just let me all the way in?”

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