Week two of going off the Meds. I’m not sure what I wrote about the amounts I’ve gotten down to. I’ve decided to come off all of them except the sleep stuff. I’m willing to give it a chance. I have had some things happen and some understanding of what the words are in my head that was just loud screaming in my head that I didn’t understand before. I know the words and the screaming is not there. Of course the words are negative and because I have a lot of useless self help shit in my head, I understand what it is. So with the agreement I have set up with myself and that I understand some things, if I can keep up with the thoughts I might be able to get by. And of course I only have a couple of yrs. left to work and that makes it easier and not so hopeless in that sense. We’ll see I guess. Worse case I go back on something. I won’t take that seriquel (not spelled correctly) anymore. Anyway….
My X, if you want to call him that, reached out after a number of yrs. of no contact. Interesting. We were not really a couple as we slept apart and didn’t really have a physical life that amounted to anything. I’m glad not only that I’m not involved with him but also that I don’t have any relationship with him now. I told myself that I shouldn’t make any judgement calls as I’ve messed up and have made some bad choices and mistakes in the last few yrs that we’ve been apart. He’s done some things that I can see why as I know him, but they were not the best choices. He’ll make it all work, I wish him well….don’t want anything to do with him….and I know he won’t come asking for money. I don’t have any anyway…I’m glad I’m making the choices I’m making about the meds and the retirement and what I see or need to happen about my living situation. I did go to the HOA meeting and I did say something about my front door. I saw my downstairs neighbor, mumbled a hello as she was leaving….I tell myself not to feel bad….I own mine and I don’t have to feel I need to talk to her, I don’t really see her anyway…it’s been a yr.
Being Bipolar mean that I’ll have mood swings and I see and know that the cycle will spiral down and that I’ll have bad times ahead….I’ll try to know that as the cycle cycles. Yikes! Thanks