3.23.18

I don’t even know where to begin. I haven’t written in a journal of any kind since I was a kid. Seem pretty silly now to do this as an adult, but worth a try at this point. I’m currently sitting in the living room with my daughter who was having a meltdown because Peppa Pig wasn’t on TV. Of course, being that mom and not feeling like hearing her fuss, I gave in and put it on. As terrible as it sounds, I wish she weren’t here right now. Not because I don’t love her or don’t want her here, but more because I’m in a terrible way. I have one of the most amazing husbands in the world. He’s a great guy, always has been good to me. Then, something changed these last four years since we got married. We stopped trying, we stopped caring; not necessarily for each other, but making sure the other knew it. It didn’t bother me, at first. Then, after R came, I started working towards my fitness goals again and, as usual, G wasn’t interested. I pushed him to do many things. Eating better, exercising, family outings, SEX, date nights, PDA, anything and everything in between. You name it, I pushed it. I figured that’s just us and no one else has these problems. We’ll never make it, but who am I kidding? I’d never leave him and he damn sure wouldn’t leave me. This is it. This is the rest of my life. Complete exhaustion. 2017 came about. Our daughter turned 1, everything seemed okay with us to G and everyone else, but I had my doubts. I started to think something was just wrong with me. My best guy friend, J, kind of fell off from us for a while and in this year came back around. So, we started hanging out with him more here and there and his at the time girlfriend. J and I have always had this very intense tension between us. I always assumed we were just attracted to each other and knew nothing could come of it so it was what it was, a crush. But, we have always been so close. I can tell him anything and everything and he doesn’t sugar coat anything. Whether I like what he has to say or not, it’s generally right on point and no one quite puts up with my bullshit like him, except G. It’s different, though. I’ve always looked at J as my protector. He always had and still has my back. Anyways, this year, he had a heart attack. It scared me and broke my heart. I seriously don’t know what I would do if he died. This happened in May. Not long after, he broke up with his girlfriend and we always talk and he decided that now was a good time to tell me that he is in love with me. WTF?! Catch me off guard? absolutely! shocked? the more I thought about it, I really wasn’t. It actually put all of the past ten years of “friendship” together. It made sense. And I never stopped to think until he said that what he really meant to me. I love him too, no question about it. Here in lies the problem, I’m MARRIED, I’m a mother, I built a life and family with Gavin since I was 16. I fought for this life. So why am I so willing to give it up fro someone who is waiting until now to tell me? Because I’m afraid of regretting it later. I’m also afraid of giving up this life and J rejecting me. He has straight up told me before he doesn’t deserve me, he can’t ever give me the life I have, he’s not a oslid relationship guy. As well as I know him, I know he’s not lying, but at the same time, is he just as scared as I am of it being something real and more than just this “thing” we have going? I wait every single day for him to show up at my doorstep or show up at my work or tell me to come outside he’s here. I’m waiting for the fairytale. I’m waiting and all I’m doing is breaking my own heart waiting on the impossible, praying for a miracle, and in the meantime, scraping G alongside me for this crazy shit show. I have a great life, anyone would die for what I have. So why can’t that be what I want? I wish he’d never told me. I do and I don’t. Because it doesn’t matter what happens, I will always love them both and I will always be in limbo. The one thing I want in life, I will never have. I will never be more than J’s thing. I’ll never be his girl. And I don’t want to break G’s heart in the process of my grieving and depression and denial. It’s just not right and fair. he deserves much better than me. 

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