I’m Ok…

Well, he broke up with me. Said there wasn’t a connection on his end. You would think that he would have come up with that conclusion sooner and said good-bye sooner, but no, it took him a month. Said he didn’t want to lead me on. But by sticking around as long as he did, he was leading me on. Personally, I think it was because I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. I have to feel connected and sure of someone before I jump into bed with them and though I liked him, I just wasn’t ready. Now I’m glad I didn’t. He sure acted like we had a connection. He liked to hold my hand and kiss me and make out with me… It upset me when he first told me and everything and, of course, I cried. But now it just pisses me off. I don’t like being led on. If he didn’t feel a connection at all, he should have said something and not done those things. But no… Whatever. I’m ok now. I was depressed about it for a few days, but now I’m ok. I just don’t want to be alone. Why can’t I find someone? I guess it’s partially because I’m picky and won’t sleep around. But why can’t I find someone who will love me for me?

Ok, maybe I’m not as “ok” as I’d like to pretend. I hate getting in the shower on most days but do it because I have to work or something. But since I don’t have to go to work or anything right now, I haven’t showered in two days. Now, it’s not that bad you might say, but I did work Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and sweat a bit, so I need a shower, but I just can’t seem to make myself get up and do that simple little task. It looks like a mountain of a job. And I just don’t want to do it. It’s affecting me going anywhere because I’ve got greasy looking hair and don’t want to be seen like this but I can’t seem to make myself see that as a good enough reason to get in the shower. Even though we don’t have anything to eat so I’m starving, but that’s ok too. All of this stems back to my depression, and I know this logically, but logic doesn’t help. 

Well, I’m going to keep pretending I’m ok until I believe it, and hopefully, that’ll be soon. I started school on Monday, so classes and homework have helped keep me distracted. I already turned in all the homework that was due by tomorrow, so now I’m starting to work on the stuff that’s due next week. I’m a notorious procrastinator, so if I don’t keep working on the work a little at a time each day, I’ll just let it go and have to rush to get it all done. And I don’t want to have to do that, especially not with online classes. So I’m doing a bit each day. But I don’t feel like I’m doing that great, especially with the essay parts. I think I need an English tutor. My writing is just not what it used to be. I’m in English 102 and Psych 101, and both are requiring a lot of writing. I wasn’t expecting this much writing in Psych but what can I do. I’ll get through this semester and hopefully get to take a class I enjoy more next semester. But that’s it for me today. Thanks for reading. Till we meet again.

2 thoughts on “I’m Ok…”

  1. Its okay not to be okay especially when you deserved so much better but you are strong and you stayed true to yourself and in time you will look back on this guy with an indifference that won’t even be worthy of your ‘pissed off’ feelings.
    I wish I had some of your discipline with my own coursework, I’m a notorious procrastinator too so much so that I’ve managed to convince myself that I work better under pressure which logic suggests isn’t really true.
    Look after yourself blue, push yourself to have a little bit of ‘pamper’ time and you will feel so much better, of that you can be sure .. {{{{Hugs}}}}

  2. Never let a man talk you into sex if you’re not ready…..never. Chances are that’s the only reason they’re dating you and the minute you do they’ll dump you. I’m 51 and know how men are all too well.

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