I guess I’m slightly suicidal, not by much.I really don’t think I would ever do it.Yet I notice no one takes notice of me or tries to talk to me unless I feel like I’m at the brink of no return. I feel guilty when I tell someone I’m suicidal, but I never go through with it.As if I was supposed to, when really I just don’t want to be in pain anymore.I don’t want to die, I don’t want to be in pain anymore though. Since December, I had a week of depression.
I lost friends, gained a few, mostly lost many. My position as a moderator suffered during that week. I was cleaning up my act when I got tossed from the group. Something I enjoyed doing, it’s gone.
I grew apart from one of my closest friends, they don’t even text me back anymore. I got abandoned because I thought that if I had a week of depression, maybe they would understand and be there when I come back.But no, I took them for granted.So they left.
I chewed out one of my friends a while ago because I was sick and tired of him constantly rejecting anything good I said about him, I felt irritated because I had no idea how to help him with his issues.And yet here I am.I’m the worst.I’m like worse than bipolarx5. I blame it on hormones, but the truth is that I spent so much of my time staying busy, that it makes it easier to grow through my life without thinking about the things that bother me, or addressing them.
This morning I did something stupid, he said he, “Didn’t trust me as much anymore”.And because I did something stupid, he said I was, “rude”.A few more things were said. Lol, I’m losing everyone. 🙂
It’s just going to be me one of these days. I don’t even think I’m lovable anymore, or likeable.I used to be fun, used to be so many things, but I’m not any of those anymore.I’m this emotionally-driven, raw, inconsiderate, disgusting, rude, obnoxious and idiot of a person.I wanted to be likable to my friends so badly, that I chose to ignore so many of my issues.
I feel isolated. I was severely abused as a child, sexual abuse and otherwise.I try not to be a bother to anyone though, even to those who offer to let me vent. I lose everything because I deserve it. The sexual abuse not only tore me away from being something I liked, it took away so many things. I try to take responsibility for it and my emotions, but lately I just find it’s hard to pull myself together.