Life’s Meaning or an attempt therein

Tumult. A decision that needs to be made. At least that’s what the cards keep telling me. I have to make a decision. Yet I’m not even sure what decision that is. I thought I’ve already made all the decisions I need to make. 
The job I’m working right now was only a placeholder until my dad and I got the business started. It’s been almost 4 months since I’ve been back in my hometown and there has been no headway in that regard. That’s what worries me, so I’ve been trying to develop a contingency plan. 
My father and I got into a discussion yesterday morning in concerns to that. He said he’s noticed my behavior towards him to which I’ve stated that I’m frustrated that there hasn’t been any movement forward with this. I’m only doing these other jobs in order to survive and also to have something to do. But this job is killing me. Literally. I went to a doctor for the first time in about 12 years and she found a whole slew of issues. To start, I’ve had issues with my hips since I was a teenager. Lately, it’s been so sore and painful that I thought it needed to be addressed. And it was. I had MRIs and Xrays done and there were several things discovered. I apparently have a labral tear that was brought on by the excessive use of my lower body, meaning all the lifting, walking, climbing, and all that associated with my job has caused these issues to become worse due to the cysts I have on the actual joint. And then the MRI showed that there has been some partial tearing on the tendons in my hip. To add onto that, there’s another partial tear in my foot but I think I got misdiagnosed. My foot is fine. There’s not any pain or anything like that, so I’ll have to talk to someone regarding that. But nevertheless, there appear to be some issues with my own body that have been made worse the longer I work here. I have no choice though. What else am I supposed to do? My college degree no longer matters, my job history is so spotty with no long-term commitments anywhere: I’ve never been at a job for longer than 1.5 years. I know how that looks. So now I’m stuck in this position, where I don’t feel I can leave as it’s going to be another spot on my record. For that record, though, I’ve only quit from two jobs since I entered the workforce in 2010. The rest of the time I got “laid off”. Since 2008, since that economic disaster that they want to reinstate as the norm for our society, I’m still reeling from that. My resume bears the scars of what could have been a fruitful career. My resume is more like a tombstone at this point. I realized that it marks the end of several jobs that I was hoping would become something. But every time I get disillusioned, discordant, dissatisfied.
Yet do I do anything about it? No, this is American life. This is the American Gothic. This is my American Gothic. Following the same patterns in order to fit in and reach a goal that society impinges on its masses. The terror that I experience in my life as I wonder how I’m going to find a job that fits me. Is this even a suitable quest? I’ve been searching for years now and I don’t feel as though I am any closer. This is the horror that trails me. I am afraid that I will never find it, that perhaps there is no purpose. Perhaps I am doomed to search for some myth that everyone else knows is nothing but fiction, but I am the only fool that believes in this El Dorado. I have made a job my everything in life while everything else has suffered. My mental health has suffered. My physical health has suffered. What else has to suffer before I finally get it? I don’t know if I ever will for I know not what else to do. 
My American Gothic. The madness that haunts me like a ghost. The impinging fear that trails behind me and gets in front of me to remind me of what I have done. Never forget that there are skeletons in your closet. The despair I feel daily. What am I doing? Would this all go away… if I were to go away? Would I stop being haunted if there was no one to haunt?… I have to wonder if I destroyed the edifice that houses these horrors… would then those haunts disappear? 
What fantasy am I aiming to achieve? Who am I hoping to become? I need to think about destroying that.  Perhaps that’s where the source of the ghosts are coming from. I was hoping to be someone. I wanted to be a powerhouse. Important. Upstanding. Outstanding. I am none of those right now. 
I feel trapped, unknowing what to do next. A decision must be made, but I’m not sure what decision what is being referred. I don’t feel like I can quit even though my body is screaming at me. I guess I’ll be forced out of it soon enough. 
 

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