I have an appointment with Lisa tomorrow. I need to talk to her about my mother. I was really upset Friday night after I talked to her. She makes me so angry. It pisses me off beyond belief when she says I could have been anything I wanted to be. Ha! Yeah, well, if I had had just a couple hundred dollars more in 1992, I would be a pharmacist right now. Every school had an application fee. I had enough money to apply at UK and the University of Cinncinnati. If I had had just a little more money, I could have applied at Samford, too, and I bet I would have gotten in there since I made the wait list at the other two, and UK was one of the top schools in the country. I probably should have applied at Samford and not even bothered at UK. Oh well. But whatever. She gave me zero support and helped me hardly ever. I was on my fucking own. So when she says shit like I had “the boys on my mind”! I want to SCREAM! Ha! No, I got married at age 22 because I was sick of taking care of myself and wanted someone else to take care of me for a change. She is such a jerk. She didn’t do jack shit for me or my sister. We both had to work like goddam dogs to get through college. I could only take 12 hours a semester because I had to fucking work all the time. I really would fucking leave and never look back if I had not had children. My parents didn’t deserve to get off as easy as they did. Someone should have called social services on them. No kid should have to go through that. Now I’m a fucked up adult. I will never get to be happy because I’m too screwed up. I am going to work hard at my job, though and try to get a principal job so I can break the 6 figure barrier. I have about 7 more years to work. That’s not bad. I can survive that. Once I get my principal degree, I’m done teaching- at least I hope! I hope next year will be the last I ever spend in the classroom. Not getting that job at central office in January was devastating to me. I don’t understand why Faith didn’t respond to me. I don’t understand why. Add that to the fucking list of shit I don’t understand.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."