Where I’ve Been

I have this habit of becoming way too attached to a person. The person this time is Marcus. I wouldn’t say I’m “obsessed” with him. As long as he texted me every now and then, I could go days without seeing or even thinking about him. But recently we started hanging out a lot more often. I shut other people out. I went M.I.A. for a bit, not keeping up with social media, and not keeping any of my friends in the loop. I was out of my house often, throughout the day and night, worrying my father. I became a different person from who I was just over a week ago. I hate myself for even having to say this, but I have to come right out and say it.

Soooooo…I gave meth a try.

Go ahead, say all the bad things it could do to my health both mentally and physically. I’ve heard it all before. Yes, I know how harmful it is. Yes, I know if I got caught I could be in a lot of trouble. I know, I know, I know. I don’t want to hear it anymore. 

When I had met Marcus, I didn’t know he did the stuff. Even after we started hanging out frequently, I never really could have guessed he was on it. I didn’t know what being on it really looked like, despite being involved with a few meth-heads in the past. When I did find out a while back, yeah I was a little mad, upset that he’d throw his life away like the people I despise, but he was a grown adult, he could make his own decisions. He’s a genuine good person who cares about other people. Why would I stop being friends with him? Why would I feel the need to stop fooling around with him? He never let him getting high influence my life or his and I’s relationship.

Then me, being the idiot that I was, suggested that maybe I should try it. I’ve always wanted to try at least every drug once. I’m confident that I can have some self control. Doing meth once wasn’t going to ruin my life forever. So I hung out with him and his buddy. And we did it together. Snorted it. I was terrified at first. I had bought it myself. Nobody forced me to. You can’t blame either of them. We’re all grown adults. Marcus would be a hypocrite for telling me not to do it with him. If anything, I was at fault for offering to buy some for two addicts. But anyway, we did it.

And…I liked it. And yeah, I lied. I did it a few times after that. It wasn’t just once. I loved it. It made me more aware of everything around me. My thinking was clearer. Weed always made me sluggish, and made me stutter a lot. This drug…kinda the opposite. It heightened everything. It made me want to talk more. It made listening to music feel more epic. It’s…I don’t know how to describe the feeling.

If anyone out there is reading this and thinking, “Should I try meth?” Here’s your answer.

Don’t.

You can be the best at controlling yourself but a drug like this could completely change that. The drug will start using you. For a couple days at a time I really didn’t eat. I’ve grown skinny. Which isn’t good for someone as tiny as me. I went a little bit without showering. I sat in a truck sweating my ass off with two other guys as we got high together. My face broke out in several places. I looked hideous. Coming down from this drug sucks. Especially when I had to go home. My anxiety always got worse. I felt like my parents and everyone else in the world was suspicious of me.

I will give it one thing, when I stopped for a few days, after coming down I did have some of the best sleep I’ve ever had this year. No, I’m not thanking the drug, but I can’t ignore that I finally got a full-night’s sleep.

Last night and the night before, I had Marcus stay at my house. He was on the verge of getting kicked out of his house, and was too afraid of going home to confront his mother that he just never went home and instead decided to run away. Luckily for him, I took him in. Of course I didn’t tell my dad or his girlfriend about the situation. 

Marcus’s mother took his truck away from him. She was pissed he had been away from home for two days and never decided to call or text her. At least I notify my dad when I’m not coming home. He is stupid for that, I will admit. After he started staying here, we had no more of the drug left. We sobered up, and got us two full nights of rest. It felt amazing. Even though my apartment’s boring as fuck, I enjoyed getting to spend time with him. Got to suck his dick one night. And according to him it was an amazing orgasm. He did complain that he couldn’t feel his dick afterwards. Oops?

He went home today. Thankfully his mom didn’t kick him out. In fact, she’s not really even that mad at him anymore. She knows that he did dope in the past. She assumed he’d been doing that. But she might not think so any more because we let her know he’s been with me. And my innocent face…you really wouldn’t believe I’d be any kind of drug addict. He does have his truck keys taken away–she does own his truck so she has that right–so I can’t really see him as often. He doesn’t live too far but his feet are pretty blistered so I know he doesn’t want to walk much. His truck being gone also puts a damper on getting the drug to begin with. 

He said he’d stop. Try to get his life straightened out. Honestly, I doubt him. Every addict ever has said that. If he did it again, I wouldn’t be surprised. If he offered to do it with me…honestly, with my addictive personality, I’d probably do it again. I think I’ll only do it if he’s at least there. No, I’m not using him. I’d be fine if he just pulled up in his truck, sober, and we listened to music and suck dick for hours. That’d be fine by me. But with the way I am, I know I’m going to want to be with him when he starts again. And I know he doesn’t want me to do it, but he wants to hang out with me and won’t stop me from making my own decision.

I’m ranting at this point. Okay, enough about that…today I ate a good bit. My skin started to look it’s normal color again. I feel less skinny.

I’m cutting Dwayne out of my life for good. He’s one of the meth heads I’ve dated in the past and was even recently fooling around with. One day he was mad at me for even trying to do meth with him, the next day he came crawling back wanting me to forgive him for telling me to “get the fuck off my yard”, and today he sent me a lot of voice messages cursing me out, telling me I’m horrible, how he’s done and doesn’t care about me. How I should pick better friends. Yeah, well, at least Marcus doesn’t lie to me about anything or tries to make me do anything I’m uncomfortable with.

I went to the mall today. Tried to return to normalcy. Wanted people to know that I haven’t been avoiding them–even though I kinda have. Was unexpectedly thrown into what felt like an intervention.

A while back there was a falling out among my friend group. Marissa was cut out of the group by Kate and Blaze. But all three were and always will be three of my closest friends. I couldn’t stop hanging with any of them. Those three were at the mall having a discussion about how they won’t be friends anymore but they won’t act hateful or ignore each other any more. Which was a relief. But then they started talking about how I was like a double agent playing both sides, telling each side about the other and stuff like that. Which…they’re not really lying about. They say they still love me and that they aren’t mad, but I’m still paranoid, I’m still scared they resent me…maybe I’m overreacting.

I’m home now. Laying in bed. Full belly. Watching an episode of Arrow and then probably falling asleep. Hopefully. Sorry for the long-winded rant. Yeah I’m stupid. Might be getting out of town for a while. Going to visit one of my best friends and my mom. Maybe. I want to but I also don’t want to leave the city. But I feel like getting out of town for at least a week could do me wonders. Hmm.

Goodnight, journal.

12:16 AM
3/26/18

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