Lately

22 is the worst age ever.
I hate that the brain has a “second puberty”.
I hate this system of things.
I hate the way people work until they die.

I hate coming to the realization I have a lot of unsolved inner issues with myself. A lot has happened I realized I never really talked about and how much it affect my psych today. I’m not strong enough to just leave at is it is. And I feel an immense amount of guilt for letting it weigh me down.

Im still afraid of a lot of things that scared me as a child. I feel mentally handicapped. I realize that people usually have those in their lives they can turn to in times of need. I realize I haven’t let anyone get that close to me. But I also constantly feel a sense of guilt if I ask.

someone very important to me, the AT&T guy, has no sympathy in this sorrow. I feel a lot in his own life weighs on him, he is just better at handling it. He tells me to just get over it, very coldly. I understand its coming from a good place, but I feel myself sinking into myself further and further every time I hear it. I feel like I let him in a down in a sense every time he tells me that. And then I feel even worse…

Not everything has been bad. We argue, but I look at him and see someone I hold close in my heart and head. I feel we have an endearing chemistry. He’s watched me grow and I’ve always turned to him. I don’t not care for him out of pity or worry, that just came with the feelings that deepened. I see a different side of him now, in the quietest moments.

He doesn’t want to exist alone. He can. But he doesn’t want to.

I’m just realizing so much about someone I’ve wanted for so long.

In the harsh moments I’ve realized how small I am…

Ive always been told that I cant do something before given the chance. My family raised me that way.  And it developed into a mental handicap. Ive never had any help with anything. Ive had them just put up with me. And when I reached my breaking points of being enclosed, and break things and hurt myself, I was told to shut up or the hospital was called. When I needed help progressing, I had no one. No friends to help me start. 

I was told to get a car and work, but would get yelled at for needing ways there. So I gave up. I wasted money instead of saving. I felt there was no point.

 

My boyfriend today tells me to cry to my friends yet my friends tell me to talk to my boyfriend. My family has clearly had enough of me. 

 

But Im told not to hurt myself or kill myself. 

 

I want to die. 

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