Tuesday March 27th

Oh my lord! I didn’t think yesterday would ever end! Holy shit, I was in a bad mood. Ugh. The children were on my last nerve, everything about my job was on my last nerve. I really need a break. Next week cannot come soon enough. At least today I don’t have to stay for track practice. I am going home because I have my college class today. I so hope that I at least get a chance to interview for that state job. I need to get a chance to spend some of my observation time with Ms. Allison, too. I have not gotten to do that so far. I want to talk to her about her thoughts and plans for this school. If she would tell me that I could have the next admin spot that opens, I would stay here for it, even if it was a couple of years away. The only one I see leaving – IF he can get another job is Mike. And I don’t have a clue how he interviews, so who knows if he even has a shot. He is at least trying to get another job. I doubt seriously that Killian is even trying. He’s got a great gig now. The only reason to leave would be for more money, and I don’t know how that could happen. 

I’m wondering if Dave will approach me about their science opening. I doubt it. I change jobs too often to make anyone seek me out when there are other options. I don’t know why I do that. I think I am a quitter. I give up. I get frustrated or bored and just can’t stand it anymore. I wonder if it’s because it’s not intellectually challenging. I wonder if I hate my job or am bored with my job because I’m too smart to be doing it. There’s a learning curve with anything new, but once you get it down, then what? If I do get to teach 6th grade like I’ve asked for next year, won’t I be bored as hell once I’ve got the curriculum all laid out? Or would I just be bored with any job? A central office job or the state job would take longer to learn since it would be so different from what I’ve been doing. That might be enough to keep me engaged for a few years. Dunbar kept my attention for 5. Several years I didn’t even look at the job web site. It wasn’t until Ms. Rains yelled at us that I was motivated to leave. I don’t regret leaving high school- teaching bio got boring. At least with middle school science, you are teaching integrated so there’s more variety in your day. I do wish I could go back to college and take my bio classes over now. After you teach it, you finally understand it! I think I could do much better. Not sure if chemistry would go any better than it did the first time. 107 would have to go better if I actually attended and took all the tests. I was really checked out that semester. I only got a C in that class because of the curve. 105 I really learned, but 107 I learned nothing. Then organic- I learned nothing- I didn’t understand shit. I had no fucking clue what was going on. 

My dream would be to be able to go back to 8th grade knowing what I know now and re-do my life from that point. If I could do that, I would be a physician right now, married to a physician. I wouldn’t worry about bullshit in that redneck town- just go to school and study my ass off. I would buy a ACT prep book and try to make a decent score on it. I made no effort at all on it. I was a good math student, and that’s the toughest part. I wouldn’t have children period. Ever. That only breaks your heart. They grow up and don’t give a fuck about you even though you gave up everything to make their lives better. I could be in Doctors Without Borders right now instead of in this bullshit mess where I get to sit in meetings where we discuss how often 11 year olds ask to go to the bathroom. I have really fucked up my life. No wonder I hate myself so much. 

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