It’s a nice day here. Windy, but sunny and cool. I’m sitting outside with Nougat. I haven’t done much today. Made soup, groomed the dog, pooper scooped. Mostly puttered on the tablet.
Hoped to have some time alone, but that didn’t work out. At least being outside I’m alone, and the lake is pretty. But I still hear Mom clattering around in the kitchen, and that makes me feel vaguely guilty and inadequate, because I should be doing something.
Mom always seems to be doing something, but that’s not me. I can spend hours doing nothing and be perfectly content. She cat sit for more than 5 minutes without finding something that needs doing (whether or not it really does)it
Consequently, I spend a lot of time feeling guilty, inadequate, and superfluous. I also spend a good deal of time wishing I were alone, and wishing I were still home. I’ve been here over 3 years, but it’s not home.
I don’t think it ever will be, and I don’t think I want it to be. Which is bad of me, I know. I might be happier if I “made myself at home” here, got invo!ved in something, made friends, got out more, etc., etc. Sitting around the house can’t be good. But I don’t feel motivated to “get out there”.
I feel like I fulfilled my “mission”. Mom wanted me to move here so we could all be together. I know Dad hoped for that, too. He said as much before he died. So here I am. Ever the dutiful daughter.
I‘d hoped it would be different…..that Mom and I would go on trips, do things together. But I think I knew deep inside, that it wasn’t going to be like that. Maybe I even “made” it turn out this way. Figured since it won’t be what/how I wanted, I’ll make it so that it CAN’T be that way. That probably does not make sense to anyone but me but that’s ok. It only has to make sense to me.