Stay in your lane, chick…

I work in Sales. My company designs and builds office furniture: cubicles, work stations, desks, tables, chairs, etc. Our specialty is designing or re-designing entire offices with state-of-the-art, ergonomically correct, eco-friendly gorgeous looking furnature, but we’ll accommodate people who just want to buy their new CEO her very own brand new mahogany desk because the desk she’s using now stinks like the former CEO whom she finally managed to run out of town. And fuck yeah you better send New CEO a brand new chair to go with that desk! Do you actually think that the new reining Queen would ever sit on someone else’s throne?!

Sales people and CEO’s make perfect frenemies. Both creatures have Type A personalities and both creatures have a sense of confidence that God Himself couldn’t shake. The difference between me and a CEO is power: if I want something to happen I have to work my ever loving ass off, pursuing, persisting and pushing people around until the job is complete.

CEOs makes things happen by snapping their fingers. 

If I had that kind of power, I’d be unstoppable.

Anyway, I aim to dominate in my company and I usually succeed. I have a VIP of Sales whom I love because he gets to babysit all the sales staff. I don’t have time for that, I prefer to just look out for myself, thanks. I help the sales staff when people ask me for advice, I’m happy to show them my notes and designs from past projects that went exceptionally well and I’m the first to congratulate people when they smash their sales goals. But when I’m at work I like to be the captain of my own ship. You do you, boo, I got my own success to create and reap the rewards of.

For twelve years I had a Sales Assistant who made me the envy of the whole department. Her name was Caroline, and this woman was absolutely phenominal. We were a team. I trained her. I nurtured her. I stepped back and let her shine all on her own – there was no stopping that woman from absolutely owning the whole sales office. She was crazy passionate and one of the top five hardest working people I’ve ever known. I admired her. 

My gal Carrie retired in December. 🙁 🙁 I can’t talk about that too much or I’ll start crying. The day she told me that she was retiring I managed to put on a brave face, but as soon as she left me to tell HR that she was peacin’ out, I locked myself into a bathroom stall in the women’s toilet and ugly-cried for like, fifteen minutes. Took me twenty minutes to fix my face after that. I miss her every damn day. I feel like someone cut my thumbs off now tgat Caroline’s gone. 

I’ve been through four SA’s since Caroline left. I’m not an easy person to work with. I’m brash, blunt, impatient and demanding. I don’t mean to be, I’m just spouting off because of the constant pressure and deadlines that I’m facing. I’m very quick to apologise and I always warn new people that I’m very, very intense, but also even quicker to apologise, and I’ll always give credit where credit is dye. I lay on the praise, recognition and endless gratitude for anyone who can hang with me.

I worked out an agreement with my CEO: my Sales Assistants get 5% of my commission on top of their $52K salary. It’s literally money out of my own fucking pocket, but a decent assistant is well worth the extra cash. A _good_ Sales Assistant is worshiped in the sales world.


Today my VP of Sales, Archer (yes, that’s his name) stuck me with some shitty little up-start who is way too eager to show everyone how smart she thinks she is. I don’t like her yet. I might like her if she chills the fuck out and stops telling everyone how great she is, or at least backs up her bragging by actually being competent.


Today she decided that the training manual is “antiquated” and took it upon herself to change a few procedures. Long story short, she fucked up nine of my orders and I had to fix them myself. The conversation went something like this:


ME: “Shelly, why did you tell our factoties to create twenty eight thousand dollars worth of product when oyr cluent hasn’t approved the order?”


SHELLY: “Because the client is in a hurry and I figured we’ll get the approval tomorrow so, might as well start now.”

ME: “The client sent me an email stating that they don’t have the budget for this project until next quarter.”

SHELLY: “No, they didn’t. I didn’t see that email. Why didn’t I get that memo?”

ME: “Because this client doesn’t know that you’re my new assistant, so they didn’t carbon copy you. I forwarded the email to you. Did you get it?”

SHELLY: “No.” (Chrcks her email) “…oh.”

ME: Abd now, we’r fucked.”

SHELLY: “Can’t you contact the factory and cancel the order?!”

ME: “Yeah but they’re going to charge us up to fifty percent of the wholesale price of the entire order.”

SHELLY: “What!? Why??!??”

ME: “Because they’ve already put man hours and materials into the order!”

SHRLLY: “….oh.”

ME: “Look, I’ll try like hell to fix this, but this is why you need to follow the rules. Please. Just until you know your job better.”

SHRLLY: “Okay.”

No apologies. Just a casual ‘okay’.

I’m going to fucking kill her. I overheard this little chicky tell another Sales Assistant that she’d rather ask for forgiveness than permission. That shit won’t fly with me at all. Either you’re a reliable support role, or you’re out.

Archer was gone when Shelly pulled her little stunt this afternoon. I’ll give Shelly an honest chance, but, Archer tends to be a little less forgiving than I am. :/ My plan is to defend her and then to let her know that I saved her ass. Maybe then she’ll listen to me instead of trying to make up her own rules….

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