Taking steps to help myself.

First entry. 

Honestly, it’s been quite an emotional night. First session with my therapist. First time in a long while I’ve really opened up to my wife. First time in a while I’ve been honest, brutally honest with myself. 

Things have been hard lately. Honestly, this semester has been rough, and I know it’s about to get even rougher before anything gets better. But, right now at least, I actually feel emotionally lighter. 

Perhaps I had so much angst, stress, guild, depression, anxiety, you name it, built up, it eventually had to spill over. And I’m realizing that’s ok. Sometime that happens, but regardless, I also have to keep going. 

I really, really, truly, DON’T want to. But my wife was right. I’m realizing now, I’ve only dealt with adversity on my own terms until now. I was lucky enough to be able to run away without consequence, until *I* was ready to deal with life. Now, it’s smacked me in the face, but I can’t run this time. 

And it hurts. It hurts to realize you’re not as strong as you thought. It hurts to realize maybe you’re not as smart, talented, unique, creative, or special, as you thought. 

Maybe I DON’T have any greater purpose. Maybe this doesn’t all lead to something greater one day. Maybe there isn’t any great self-actualizing moment. 

When I look back at my life, I see that that’s certainly more plausible than what I’ve been continually waiting on. 

I’ll be truly happy when I get here. When I get this degree. When I get this job. When I get into this program. When I make this much money. When we can afford this house. When the kids go to this school.

It really never fucking stops, does it? And I’m at the point where I’m realizing, it never makes you happy. It’s like Christmas presents. Something you want SOOO badly one year; and the next, you’ve already forgotten about it, asking for the next thing. 

It has no permanence. It has no significance. I just want something that means something. Something WORTH this pain I’m feeling, and WORTH the frustration. 

I’ve got to continue to get stronger. I don’t know how tomorrow is going to go, but I won’t let it define me. I will move on, and I’m vowing now, this is the floor. This is the bottom. I’ll only go up from here. 

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