Back to Basics

The universe keeps yelling at me, beating me over the head with a thick book, screaming “GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEAD THAT YOU DON’T WORK THAT WAY!!! JESUS FLIPPING CHRIST!!” 

I struggle as I look to find a new job. I have been informed that I need to start organizing my long-term goals and prioritizing what’s important to me AND what I really want to achieve. Everything is pointing to my lack of direction and telling me, urging me to make a decision. I simply can’t because I can’t seem to get the right amount of information in order to make that decision. Plus, there are so many roads that I could take that it’s overwhelming for me to even try to make a plan about it. 
But now before I can move forward, I have to widen my scope backwards: figure out what’s important to me and what motivates and drives me. I have never given this any thought as I never had any sort of solution to that question. So I keep putting it off in hopes that someday the answer will bonk me over the head and point me in a direction to go. After all this time, I’ve been wrong with every decision that I make. But that’s only because I make these decisions using the wrong methodology. I’m using others’ tools in order to work on my own device when really none of these tools work for what I’m trying to achieve. It’s like someone is telling me I need to use a Phillips when I clearly need just a flathead, but I listen to them because maybe they know something I don’t. Which is true to some degree. I’m just not sure in which way and whether they have any authority to talk about my own specific project. 
I’m starting to realize this. I am not like everyone else. If you believe in the Myers Briggs, my personality type is something like 2-5% of the nation. I’m a rare variety of human, which means that the regular modes of living aren’t going to work for me. The life I’ve been living would have worked for someone else of a different type, but not for me. So how do I navigate someplace where few people have been before? How do I navigate around here when it is clearly not meant for someone like me? What do I do then? 
I guess the most important question for today’s inquiry is what matters to me? Well, let’s make a bulleted list: 

— The environment around me. I like parks and trees and nature and shit like that. 
— Sustainability. 
— Creating new methods to ensure the stable cooperation of people and nature. 
— Changing the American outlook
— Empower others to not be so afraid. 
— Health and harmony
— Personal Inquiry

And that’s when I went off on another tangent. I remember when  I was on the farm that we did several of these personal inventories that helped to guide us to where we needed to be as individuals to contribute to the whole of humanity. I did one of those again, and here are the results. 

  1. Honesty
  2. Enlightenment
  3. Education
  4. Equality
  5. Diversity
  6. Knowledge

What fits all that? And I keep getting distracted, trying to do everything at once. I still want to learn my coding; I still need to get on my digital marketing course. I still need to research my next step. I was warned that there were many options in front of me, but not all of them would be good options. Which one is the right cup to take? I feel like that guy who tries to figure out which cup has the poison in The Princess Bride. I can’t take that cup, but clearly, I need to take the other one, but that’s exactly what you’d expect me to do, so I would take the other. But then why would this be the case if you’re indeed as cunning as you think? I feel like I’m arguing myself in a nonsensical circle that is leading more and more into procrastination that is never going to end. 
But make the decision. But I can’t until I know for certain which is the right one. Do I disappoint a family member? Do I go on to tarnish further my job history? What is the right move? There is no clear answer. Which way do I go, I pray you?! There must be some sort of way to tell! Besides just my own personal values. I can’t stand any longer for the bureaucracy. I can’t stand any longer this widdling of my own life! I feel my spirit draining daily and I know not how to stop it. I am uninspired and giving away my own life and receiving nothing in return. 
When I was abroad, I wanted to be back in the US, but for what reason? I thought it was because there was a sort of familiarity here, but now I’ve come to realize that it’s old programming. It’s all old programming. A Roomba knows to go back to the thing when it needs to recharge. What if my charging station just isn’t doing it for me? What if my recharge station isn’t that at all? But then is it the place that is binding these chains, or my own interpretation of all that surrounds me? I keep referencing tarot cards in my head as I write this. I know: it’s hoaky, but lately, it’s been interesting studying their meanings. I believe that the tarot has a direct link to our unconscious and of course, everyone can relate to the cards themselves. They’re universal themes. And even then, it forces someone to think about the issues at hand. What am I hiding from? What am I refusing to make a choice about? These have been the themes as of late, and I feel as if the question — not the answer — has been eluding me on purpose. Or have I been hiding it from myself? Then again the same question: WHAT AM I TRYING TO HIDE FROM ME?! If I know this going to help me, then why am I hiding it from myself?!? Maybe the importance that I’ve stocked in others’ opinions matters more to me still than my own well being, than my own wants and needs. Perhaps I think that’d be selfish to do any of that… think about what I want instead of what others want of me. I placed stock in martyrdom and I plan on cashing that in this life or the next. Goddamn you, Catholicism. Goddamn my upbringing. What has it dealt me but failure and lack of coping mechanisms to deal with this world? 
I can blame all I want, but I can’t be the victim anymore. Playing the victim has done nothing but ruin my life. I want someone to save me like they did in the movies, but no one is coming to save me. I have to save myself. From myself. 

Creating new methods to ensure the stable cooperation of people and nature. 

— Changing the American outlook
— Empower others to not be so afraid. 
— Health and harmony
— Personal Inquiry

We’ll see where we go from here 

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