He’s actually sober this morning when he got up.  I don’t know if he’s being cold and distant because he just got up or because he’s sober.  I doubt he’ll stay sober for long.  I want to put him out but he’ll have no place to go and will have to live on the streets….I  can’t do that to him.  I’ve lived on the streets and it’s awful.

He went and got cigarettes and is back.  He’s being a little less distant and will hug me but no kisses.  Last night in bed we were playing and he actually told me I was the best he had ever had.  And that he’d just have to keep his darling close.  Why is it he has to be drunk to tell me this shit.  Alcohol tends to be a truth serum and makes people tell the truth for the most part.  Or maybe he’s becoming aware that I’m trying to figure out some way to put him out of my life and is scared he’s going to lose me.   I’ve been discussing it with a friend that lives in Italy.  He’s a recovering alcoholic and empathic like me so thankfully he’s been able to help answer questions for me about alcoholic behavior and use his empathic ability to help too.

I keep wishing I deserved better but if I did I’d find my knight in shining armor.  Which I can’t.  All I find are alcoholics and jerks that treat me like shit.

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