Crack in the wall

I don’t know how it all started, well maybe I should say I don’t know how it happened.  I met him in middle school.  At the time I honestly didn’t know what I was doing.  I had just moved to a new state and was in a new school.  He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.  We “dated” a month or two and then another boy wanted to be my boyfriend.  So I said ok.  

Looking back that was a horrible thing to do.  But it was the time in my life when boys started to notice me.  I wasn’t exactly popular back in my old school.  Much of it due to the fact that I hadn’t hit puberty like the other girls my age had.  So here I am finally blossoming and getting noticed it was exciting.  I didn’t know how bad I hurt him.  He never showed his pain and when we ended up going to the same high school, I thought we were friends.  He and I even partnered up on a couple of projects.  Life goes on and we grow and lost contact.  

It wasn’t until years later after a failed marriage and being a single parent did he and I “run into each other” on social media.  Relationship wise he and I were both passengers on the cruise ship “Screw Love”.  He did end up seeing each other but he gave me the impression that it wasn’t worth his time.  I just mentally shrugged my shoulders over but he would still pop into my mind from time to time.

I don’t know what happened and truthfully probably will never know what happened during that time between when we saw each other to when we started chatting again on social media.  Probably doesn’t really matter either.  But for some reason, he came to me.  He needed to talk to someone and why I was the one he chose will be a mystery.  

We texted back and forth for hours.  I don’t think I got more than two hours sleep.  But it felt good.  He and I developed this strange text relationship.  We would go days texting back and forth and then radio silence.  I completely understand because he is a complete workaholic.  That really is all the man does other than a rare moment he stops and fishes.  Anyway, I would always invite him over but he would never accept the invite.  That is until the other day.

I had just gotten back from taking my nephews home.  He and I texted earlier and he had mentioned he might stop by but I didn’t take him seriously.  But he was.  I had put my daughter to bed and was cleaning up cookie crumbs and toys when he texted he was not far.  Well, it ended up not far meant he was lost. 

Finally, he found my place and we chatted.  Actually chatting is not the right word.  He and I are pretty opposite.  He is as country as country gets and well, I am rock and roll, skulls on my t-shirt.  So he and I don’t agree on much, or it could be we are just so damn stubborn that we refuse to give an inch. 

The thing is as we talked it was like looking in a mirror emotionally. Sure outside looks we are different.  But as he spoke I completely understood him.  Both of us are completely fucked emotionally.  We built a wall so thick it is hard to let anyone in.

It was getting late and he was debating on leaving.  I don’t know what made me do it.  It was not something I would normally do.  But I grabbed him and kissed him.  He returned the kiss by placing both his hands on my face and kissing me so tenderly.  I can’t remember a man ever kissing me like that.

It didn’t stop there.  After a quick shower, I brought him to my room.  Again the kiss.  I kid you not I felt something in me start to crack.  He didn’t force sex on me.  We were both satisfied by touching each other.  When he left he texted me the sweetest text.  Simply that he would come back to me.  Tears welled up in my eyes.  

So the next morning my life went on as normal.  Well as normal as my life can be.  But his kisses and words kept haunting me.  I have been told that I bottle up my emotions.  I don’t believe in letting many people in my heart because I got tired of people hurting me.  So I developed a very thick skin.  So crying for me is really not a normal thing.  For myself, I see it as a sign of weakness.  

Every time I thought of his lips on mine I teared up.  Every time I thought of his touch I felt my body shiver.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I texted him a few times today with no replay.  Speaking to a male friend he said it is possible he is trying to process it all too.  Maybe in the next few days, things will be a bit clearer.  As for now, I am an emotional mess.  My friend pretty much told me just to roll with it.  I just know I want to be back in his arms again.

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