I haven’t done much of anything the past couple days. School was cancelled on Friday due to a teacher sick out over the pension bill that passed. I am starting to dislike more and more people because of this political scene playing out.
I got drunk Friday night. I didn’t drive- Dorothy brought me home, so that part was good. I did have crippling anxiety when I woke up,, which was around 4 am and I couldn’t go back to sleep despite taking a Xanax- a whole one, mind you – a half one usually knocks me out- that’s how bad my anxiety was- I know I need to not drink, but I do it over and over again. Almost every stupid thing I do happens because of alcohol, but I just keep doing it. I hate myself so much. I took John to the groomer yesterday and got my nails done, but that was about it. I don’t feel like doing anything. It was nice outside and I should have walked John, but nope. Just sat here and watched 100 episodes of ER, wishing Dr. Carter was real and my boyfriend. ha. I don’t know how to beat this depression. I get slightly better for brief moments, but then I’m right back down- I have been managing to scrape my way up from suicidal low- I have not been that bad as much lately, but still bad- and low. I really cannot imagine that I will ever be happy again. I have tried to give myself reasons to live – like my idea about being a foster parent- living to help other kids that come from shitty parents- I’ve gone back to college to try to give myself a reason to live- I’ve tried to think about the possibility of one of the few men I am attracted to becoming available – waiting out a marriage- I’ve thought about how John and Sophie need me- I keep trying to think of reasons to live- I know that normal people don’t have to talk themselves into staying alive. I know the past cant be changed- I can’t go back and re-do things, but I can’t seem to stop myself from wishing I could. I can’t seem to move forward with any sort of hope or positivity about the future. I hate myself. I hate my life. I really don’t care if I die.
Later, that same day…
I’m in a bad goddam mood. Ugh. I went to lunch with my mother and children. My mother makes me so angry. I don’t know why she gets under my skin like she does. She acts like an asshole. I cannot even believe she has the audacity to talk about how anyone dresses or anyone looks. She thinks she looks good- she does not. Her clothes are loud and tacky. Most of them are not age- appropriate or body size appropriate. She is ignorant to most things, but thinks she knows everything. She has no manners, no class, no grace, no style. Why does she act like that? She is so fucking over the top in public- Every time I have to be around her, I remember why I moved the fuck 700 miles away.