Im home.

I’m home. 
I’ve decided to spend Spring break with my family, and reconnect with them. So I came home to Colorado. I decided to be extra and ‘surprise’ my parents instead of telling them I was coming. I even knocked on the door, hehe. My mom was cooking breakfast and my dad was in his study painting when I suddenly showed up. It warmed my heart to see how happy they were. But I also felt even more like a bitch for having been so distant and not communicating with them this semester. 

I have been in a bad place, but I don’t want to be anymore. The truth is that I had been embarrassed about how badly I was affected by the break up and events that led up to it. But I didn’t do anything wrong, and I don’t want to blame myself for being emotionally invested – then heartbroken, it happened. In fact, avoiding it and pretending like I was 100% okay was the biggest issue, but now I’m okay to be honest. I opened up to my parents a bit this weekend as well, it felt like all of the weight on my shoulders was removed. I have been blessed in my life in so many ways, but more than anything  I was blessed to have such kind and good-hearted parents. 

But I didn’t 100% reveal my relationship with Ayato. I told them that I had been dating someone in Berkeley, and that I admire him a lot but we weren’t mutually compatible. Of course I would never tell them that I was his ‘other woman’, or that I was dating him along with two other women at the same time, and we were in a harem style relationship.

Speaking of which, I do care a lot about Ayato. But I broke up with him last week as well. I told him that I just don’t want to be in this ‘relationship’ anymore. He was taken back by this, I could tell. I told him that I do want to love him, but I just couldn’t be like this with him anymore. At first I was okay with being ‘the other woman’ because I was hurt and I just wanted to be with him and be selfish. Then I rejected his offer of being in an exclusive relationship with him after he broke up with his girlfriend for me. Then he hooked up with two other girls, but we still would hang out and have sex all the time, so I eventually became just another girlfriend. I admit that I’m not innocent, I wanted to use him just like he would use me – for sex, no relationship, no emotions. But except I was worse, he confessed to me after he broke up with his girlfriend that he was in love with me, and I rejected him. But I was cruel about it, I would always play it off and act like he was not being serious. Obviously this hurt him and I didn’t realize it. So our relationship has never been ‘clean’. I’d like to be with him, start fresh, start new, but I  don’t see that happening. I don’t think he would open up to me like that again, he is a very difficult man to get to open up his emotions and share them, which makes me all the worse of not taking him seriously. 

In any event, I miss him. And I do secretly hope that if he loves me, he would start over with me. But also maybe that wouldn’t be the best idea. He has his problems, and I don’t need anymore. 

For now, I feel like I’m exactly where I should be. At home with my family. 

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