Nothing

I’m going to be totally obnoxious and write in magenta-colored Comic Sans. Yes.

Mike texted me today. He wanted to meet up. Which stage of grief involves feeling completely numb? I feel nothing in regards to him. I’m not sad or angry. I don’t miss him. I don’t think about him until he contacts me, and when he does, I just feel…nothing. I told him I’m not that girl. I’m not that girl he can call when he’s bored or lonely or whatever. He asked me what I wanted from him. I didn’t know how to answer. “Nothing” is the obvious answer, but that’s not really true. I want him to be the person he pretends to be, the person I saw when I looked at him.

He insists that I resent him, but it’s not resentment. I lost my faith in him. He lost my trust and my respect. There are few people in this world who have achieved such things.

I want to feel like I’m giving something up. I want to feel like our time together mattered or meant something. Instead, I just feel nothing. I wish there was something there. I wish I could say that it was worth it. I wish I could say that I ruined my life for some great love affair that I would never forget.

No. I threw everything away for something and someone that means nothing to me now.

I am not the same person I was before all of this. I thought it was the abortion that changed me. I felt something inside me die, something in my soul, but now I’m not so sure what killed it. Was it the abortion? Or was it him? 

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