Today i am going to write as honestly and transparent as I know how to be. This having one purpose… If it reaches one person out there and pricks the darkest part to stop that person from being snatched by death. Or perhaps a better way to say it… For one person to understand life.
I have mentioned in my bio that I am an addict…. A drug addict to be exact… But I do not write about it much. It is a much bigger part of my life than I have even been willing to admit thus far I guess. I am extremely good at compartmentalizing issues in my head so I don’t have to deal with whatever the consequences may be. So I do that much of the time with the drug thing. For anyone to understand another perception you must possess empathy. True empathy. So if your lacking in this area you may just want to stop now and move on to the next read that looks interesting. So here goes.. ..
I am the daughter of many preachers. What I mean when I say that is that every man in my family on both mom and dads side are pastors. It is the family business no disrespect intended. I was raised with a very strict and defined set of rules morals and values. As a very young child I thought this was protection. I thought it meant that my family would never in any way be like others who wore jewelry and makeup and the latest fashioned clothing. We would always love in this little bubble where mom handmade my dresses and brothers ties. We would always go to church when the doors were open and to school. Nothing else could get in our out. Mom would always be home and dad would always be preaching a sermon. One day…. While not a soul in this universe was paying attention we lost it all. Actually it was more precisely in the space of a 2 year time span that my mom left us and my dad was left with a giant question mark over his head when it came to this… His tween female daughter. I was sent to another state to live in a female children’s home at 12….that was the last time I lived at home. My life would take such a radical turn and I really did not at all welcome those changes. I now had abandonment issues on top of this very deep seeded way of life that I was left to figure out alone. How was it supposed to be right when I had no power to make it right? That what my 12 year old mind said anyway. I learned to deal with things in not great ways and my lessons learned earlier in life were soon being forgotten and twisted. I became of age and married… And had two absolutely beautiful children of my own. I had been married all of 4 years at the most when my children’s dad cheated on me for the first time. I was almost instantly mummified behind the sink I stood at washing the days dishes. Once more… My world was shattered. I begged God to tell me how to forgive so that I could save my family. He did. Eventually I came to accept what had happened and that sometimes bad things happen to good people too. But then…after I was able to forgive the incident I came to the understanding that this was not an isolated incident. He was a addict also… But to sex. I had some years where making up my mind whether it was worth the risk became focus and ultimately ended leaving the marriage.