So… I don’t know if anyone actually reads my journal or not, and to honest I don’t really care. But if you do, you may have noticed that the last five entries have disappeared into oblivion. That is because I deleted them. I know and understand that writing in a journal is not supposed to be a structured thing… one of those previously thought out, penciled in, I already know what I am going to say because I typed it out on my mac ahead of time things.
However, with that being said. The last few days for me have been absolutely miserable if I do say so myself. A twist, and turn rollercoaster ride of emotion. Up and down, up and down. Tears, depression, and everything that could go wrong doing just that. I know that what can go sour in life will, and that shit happens. We can’t control any of it. It’s all up to God, or the universe, or whatever the hell you may believe in. Nope. It’s my life and I can’t control shit! But what I can control what it is that I write on here. Is everyday going to be 100% awesome, or perfect, or filled with rainbows, unicorns, glitter, and sunshine? Hell no! Some days are going to be so friggin miserable that I am gonna wanna die, but that doesn’t mean that I have to write a bunch of gore, and gloom, and sadness. This isn’t a dramatic ass YA novel that you might pick up off of the shelf at a book store near you, and read while you cry hysterically on your pillow for two hours all the while binge eating pizza from domino’s, cheese curls, and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby ice-cream.
This is real. This is my life. And I wanna be able to express that with you all without all of the extra unnecessary theatrics. It’s just that sometimes when my emotions are running high I tend to just let crap flow out. Its over here, and over there. I always start the story at the end, and then the middle, and then the beginning. Gawd, it all comes out a verhuddled mess.
I guess what I am trying to say here is that I want to be able to share my life with the rest of you. Little by little. And that becomes impossible if I am acting like a Debbie downer basket case. My life sucks sometimes, but God would have a special place set aside for me in hell if I said that it was all bad. Cause there are good times too. A lot of em’ that I can think of too. So… I’m going to put the past few miserable, lousy, I don’t even wanna talk about it days behind me, get up off of my big butt, and try this again.
# # #
First, I want to start out by introducing myself. My name is fireflower14. Not really sure why I chose that particular screen name… I’m not at all interested in delicate things… at least not anymore. Maybe back when I was still innocent. But, who knows. Maybe theres a broken part of me that wants to get back to that someday soon. But that’s for later discussion. However, I am very rugged, and rough, and fiery. And fourteen…well… that is my favorite number and that will probably never change.
Other than that I am just a young girl. Not a child, not a teen, but not yet an adult either. I’m not saying that sarcastically or anything. I literally mean that. It’s the only thing I can say without revealing my actual age. I’m just another jacked up, broken, but beautiful spirit trying to find my way home. A soul looking to start over again.