I have got to go on a diet. I walked with John a little more than 3 miles this morning. That’s a start. I need to walk at least 5 miles a day, though to get any benefit. I will walk him again this afternoon. It started raining on us so we headed back before I would have otherwise. John is pretty pooped, though. I don’t know if he could have made 5 miles. I want to be skinny. I have to fucking stop eating. That’s it. I just have to. I know I look so much better skinny, and I feel better about myself when I look better. I have got to work out something – some sort of eating plan. No more fast food, no more potatoes, no more fried food. it has to stop. I really need to work up to running. That’s how you get skinny. I want to get back down to 115. That will not be easy. I haven’t been that small in 7 or 8 years. I can do it, though. I just have to stop fucking eating. Stop rewarding myself with food like I’m a dog. Stop eating sweets to make myself feel better. Get up off my fat ass and stop watching TV and staring at Facebook or Pinterest. Get the fuck up and do something.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."