Amends continued

Good morning.  I always seem to journal in the morning, not at the “goodnight” time as the name of this page implies.

I continue with my step 9, which is actually making amends to those I may have hurt, as long as it does not harm anyone including them or me.  I started with myself, then I apologized to my wife in great detail.  Mostly I said how sorry I was for all the times I made her cry.  That made me sad, to think that I could do that to the closest friend I’ve ever had, the only woman who truly ever loved me, and my soulmate.  But I had and vow never to do so again.  Some of those, many of those were without knowing that I had done something to hurt her.  But that too just means that I wasn’t being aware, wasn’t being fully present.  I am changed and will continue to grow.

I tried to apologize to my adult son for involving him in my marital conflict at the time of our separation.  He pointed out that I had no one else to talk to about it, which while true, still should not have spoken to him.  I did not so much talk about our troubles at all, I just talked about how much I was hurting.  He would not have it and stated that I have always been his best friend and that is what best friends are for.  I sent a letter to my old childhood best friend, and followed with an email.  He responded but it was brief.  I still don’t fully know why he cut me off, but I accepted responsibility.

I prayed and asked God’s forgiveness for having had to watch me sin not only in my addiction but in other ways.  I prayed his forgiveness for watching me live a secret double life, and for lying.  I prayed another time to ask my mother’s and birth father’s forgiveness for being a manipulative teenager.  I could not defend myself against my father’s brutality and physical abuse, so instead I attempted to divide them from each other.  For that I apologized via prayer.

There were others too.  It’s a long and arduous process involving much soul searching.  Do I feel better?  Yes.  Not so much because I have been forgiven for wrongdoings and shortcomings, but because I faced them and insomuch, faced down the pride and ego which piloted my adult life for so many years.  I still seek further enlightenment as I charge forward.  What else has changed is that I do feel even more empathy for others.  I try very hard to be loving and forgiving.  Now, it’s not always easy to be loving and forgiving as a landlord and as an accountant in an office with others who do not seek this same enlightenment.  But I continue to try.  Prayer seems to be the best way to work on that.  That prayer takes me all the way back to step 1 in which I have to again admit that I am powerless over (insert emotion instead of “addiction”) and ask God to take control of that current feeling.  Sigh.  

So my journey continues, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  I do feel changed.  I do feel more sensitive, I do feel more present.  My relationship with my wife is stronger than ever.  We no longer bicker.  We no longer refuse to speak about even difficult issues.  Sexually, we work on it.  That isn’t perfect but we try and I remind myself that if she feels uncomfortable in a moment of intimacy, that I brought this into our bedroom, not her.  And those awkward moments do pass.  Patience and perseverance are key to all things.  



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