Today I went for a hike around some of my favorite places in Aspen, and had a picnic with my doggies. The peacefulness is so beautiful. I’ve really missed this place. I didn’t realize how much until I came back. My parents are thrilled having me home. We’ve always been a really close family, and they’re so happy having me home. I feel a bit silly saying this but sleeping in my bedroom is a treat, because I feel so comforted. I haven’t slept so well in a while.
I spent the rest of the day painting and listening to music with my parents. We’re blessed to live on a beautiful pice of land, full of scenic beauty that we used as inspiration. They used it as a way to get me to open up about the issues I’ve been keeping from them. I told them I was depressed, and had been suppressing talking about it and asking for help. I admitted that I felt lonely and hurt over my last relationship, but also losing best friend, and living so alone all happening at the same time. My dad gave me a great deal of advice and let me vent my frustrations and fears openly. I love how amazing they are, I truly feel so much love and appreciation for them. My mom was really sad to hear how bad my depression got, I could tell I worried her. But, it wouldn’t have been sooo bad if I had only asked for help. Instead I decide to feel ashamed and hide it. Not good. I should know better by now.
It was a great day today, but now I’m lying awake at night writing on this journal. I can’t stop thinking about Ayato. Isn’t in crazy how you think you’ve found ‘the one’, and they’re everything you ever wanted . . . only for them to end up hurting you so badly and breaking your heart. And then you meet someone else, someone whom you would have never expected to love, who comes into your life at a time when you need someone to want you. But even though this person isn’t perfect and they come hurt, you still find each other in the dark. And you hold hands wanting to get out of it. And its like you’re pushing and pulling to get out of the darkness, and you’re not sure if you’re going in deeper or not, but you don’t want to let go of this person because they are like a warm embrace and they dissipate the fear that was choking you. And sometimes you do find the way out of the tunnel, and you’re pulling this person out of the darkness with you. But then you realize that they’ve been in the darkness for so long that its leaving it that truly really scares them. And no matter how much you pull you just can’t drag them out with you. So you have to let them go and head toward your light, otherwise you won’t ever get out. Thats how I feel about Ayato. I love him, but … I couldn’t love him and be with him in that relationship anymore.
Its crazy how you can fall in love with the person you never ‘planned’ to. If you go out on a date with someone, its because you are testing the waters of a potential relationship – they’re a possibility. But the ones you never expected more from, not even a real date, falling in love with them hits you like a brick to the face.