So today was an adventure. After learning yesterday that I would have to sell my beloved Jeep (I’m going to miss her), I had to get a new car. I’m sad to be losing my Jeep but I hope whoever gets her will love her. I’m sure they will. I know I do. But keeping two vehicles and one in desperate need of work that I can’t do, is just illogical. So, it was come home from the mechanics and start looking around. After some looking, I managed to find something in the 2000’s (which makes several people very happy.
The best part of the day wasn’t getting the new car. The best part of the day was hanging out with my daughter and enjoying spending time with her. Even better is making it a weekly thing to do. I finally understand now why it was so important to my dad. And I truly apologize for making things so hard with him. I now see why he valued the phone calls and I know now how eager he was to get them. The visits. I think he would be surprised to see me, but still disappointed that I didn’t make things work for the fourth time in a row.
I also had to come to realize that even after how much the Narc wanted me to believe that I was the monster, the abuser, the horrible person that ruined his life, and all the things that went with it. I’m not so bad off. I have my kids and slow going on building back relationships with each of them. Something that I am truly happy about. I have the ability to land on my feet. It has been a long, hard road getting to where I am and I’m sure I’ll still have my dark days. Things could be far worse than they were. I’m proud of all my kids and how well they are doing. It’s pretty sad though when I think about it. As much as the Narc went on mourning about his own son and the things that he would supposedly never have and his drive to have another child, he could have had 3 that while grown would have welcomed him to their lives as well. This is the kind of children that I have. If he had only taken the chance they had given him to get to know them and accept them as they had him, he might have been far better off.
The Narc will be ever chasing the very things that I gave to him for three years. While I’m still single and thanks to a few fully believe that not only will that never change, but also that just about every guy out there is basically a Narc as well, he has been through 2 so far and clinging to those of the past. The Narc claimed that I isolated him, no that wasn’t my doing. He did that himself. I actually feel more for his current lady. That she doesn’t have to encounter what I did. Though there is a part of me that wishes he could get a huge dose of his own medicine that he did to me.
Tomorrow will be the sad task of taking everything from the Jeep to put most of it in the new car. Then take the pictures so that I can put the Jeep up for sale. Finish cleaning the house and then take the rest of the day to relax and possibly even try writing. I am even going to write another email tomorrow as well. There are some things that I need to set right with the Knight. I know that I have to be more assertive and slowly I’m getting there. The wolf has her bruises and scars that will forever ache, but I am still moving. Giving up the Jeep in a way feels like one last thing giving up the last of my life in California. I still have friends there, don’t get me wrong, yet it feels that the last of that life is dying off. The Narc did that as soon as he discarded me. Cut away with everything connected to me in any way. Then he filled it with J and then the new woman. Unlike him I still have pieces of that life, because it was a part of my life. It is still sad that he went so far to kill everything and that I lost a friend out of all of that. I am at a point that while I have found new friends and some old ones that were true, I see that I’m keeping the promise I had made. When I first started the road with the Narc, I said that would be last relationship because I was tired of all my failings in the ones that had come before. I failed once again and know that any others that are to follow will just be a taint of failure in the making. I guess I’m sparing others what could happen. The Narc never loved me, no matter what he has said. That was only to make himself look the victim to those that saw him. His image is most important. I can hope that truly one day he learns his lesson, though I doubt it will ever come to pass. For me, I will never have any what they call self-love. I just march on and do what I must. I know that there’s still hope in this world, all I have to do is look at the adults my children have become to know that there’s still some great things in the world. I don’t think they will ever know how much I love them or how proud of them I am. I understand now my father. I fully know now how much I truly am like him and I’m not sad about this in the least. The only difference between him and I, while he was forever afraid of being alone, I’ve been all along and I don’t fear it in the least.