What I’ve Been Thinking…

So this is what I’ve been writing the past few months. It’s morbid and and dark, but it’s what I felt. I think what I still feel. And there’s nothing pretty about it.

I feel this rising panic within me that threatens to spill over
Taking with it my sanity and peace
Ruining everything I’ve ever known and loved
The fight of who I want to be
Who I was
And the mess of who I am
It’s not okay
I’m not okay
I’m breaking
I’m falling apart
Help me
sometimes i glance out windows and get the desire to jump
then a little voice tells me
maybe tomorrow you’ll have one more reason to smile
and i live another day
one more smile
I’m having those thoughts again
The ones where I wonder if I could die
They’re more vivid
Who I am… who I wanted to be
And the way the picture stays the same without me in it
If they found it, would they pity me? Look at me with a sad sorrowful gaze?
I want them to
But I remember the last time
The way they judged me
what do you see?
She hates her
I love him?
He probably pities me
He probably loves her
They choke me
I feel dead inside
Tick tock – watch the clock
Don’t let them know
Don’t let them know how you crave it
Don’t let them know that you miss it
Don’t ever let them know
Just suck it up for that temporary happiness you’ll get
We can’t have nice things
So take what you can get
Even if it’s at the cost of your sanity
You don’t deserve more
You don’t
A suppressed panic
A lonely heart
Satisfied with myself?
Probably not
I felt it was a good day,
Until I remembered
Until I remembered you
2 years I’ve been clean
The rush
The fear
The pain
The pause
Then the blood
I’ve relapsed
855 days clean 
0 days clean
There’s regret mixed with… sick exhilaration
Oh how I’ve missed this
Oh how I hate it
Short sleeves? No
Roll em up? No no
Dragging myself through the same lame procedure
Maybe they won’t find out
Maybe I’ll just stop. Once and for all

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