Oh It’s now 2 am again

It’s 2 am again and i’m not sleeping. This has been going on for far too long. Get in bed around 11pm and lay there with my mind that won’t shut off. Lately, my mind has been focused on a boy. Wow, that sounds childish, but it is true. He is technically a man, but acts like a boy. I think that’s why i’m so drawn to him. We long board, Frisbee golf, have Nerf gun wars.. it’s great when its good. His personality is amazing, but that character on the other hand.. he lies, manipulates, untrustworthy, and unreliable as fuck, the list is never ending. I hate the fact that I’ve spent the majority of a whole year with this boy knowing that he was still seeing and sleeping with his Ex. I’m really not an idiot..am I? I’ve never been in this situation before. Most guys I date end up wanting to marry me. I’m not trying to toot my horn by all means, but lets be real… I’ve got my shit together and I’m not terrible on the eyes 😉 Anyways, I guess I pissed him off cause he’s no longer talking to me. I haven’t really tried talking to him either, but I feel like the ball is in his court to reach out first because of how things were left. Being single isn’t what I was expecting after my divorce…..second divorce. Yikes, guess I’m the common denominator. There’s only a few requirements for me to actually consider a man to date. The first three (just to say YES to a date): 1. Have a job, 2. Don’t live at home with mom and dad, 3. Have a car/vehicle. Surprisingly enough, it’s pretty damn hard finding a single man, in there 30’s…shit even 40’s, that meets those requirements. It’s a joke! The guys that are available to date all have something wrong with them. I don’t mean like Quasimodo wrong, even though i’d probably accept a date with him about now, but i mean like there’s a reason they’re single. They have drug problems, can’t keep a job, treat women like shit, lazy AF, a drunk, or have 37 kids and divorced. I don’t have a problem with divorced, that would be extremely hypocritical lol, but i’m 29 and I don’t know if I could jump right in and play mom. I think that women kinda got screwed, and not the good kind of screwing. When you think about it women started demanding equality in the work place. Which I completely agree with, but more and more women are starting to bring home the bacon, be the breadwinner, have actual careers, you know like financially support men/families. This is all great until you come home from work and find that the household duties (cooking, cleaning, laundry) are still for the women. We’ve been SCREWED! This was one of the many reasons for my divorce btw… I just thank God that I didn’t have any children with him.. that would have been even more for me to do on top of full time work, full time school, internship, and trying to make time for the gym. I paid 100% of all household bills and mortgage on top of that! Anyways, enough ranting about the past. I can’t change it so I must learn from it and move on. That’s also the mind set i’m trying to have about this “boy” situation. It’s too much damn drama for me anyways. Too much stress. I think the most frustrating part is that I invested so much in him.. mostly my time and money. I guess I thought that eventually he would want an actual relationship with me. That’s where I really F’ed up. I should have walked away as soon as he gave me the “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now” speech. I can’t say that I am right now either, but why ruin a good thing. The best thing for me right now is to forget him. Get him off my mind and start doing ME again. It’s strange how consumed you can get into someone. The first couple days of not talking to him I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I’ve always been super independent and had a ton of friends, but in this past year I’ve just been with him and turned down hanging out with friends. My days always revolved around him, which is never a healthy relationship anyways. It was always what he wanted and what he wanted to do. I’m a people pleaser.. not like i’m a push over.. but I get joy out of making other people happy. I like doing things for friends, family, loved ones that will make their day  a little easier or cheer them up. I don’t understand why people have to take advantage of that. There was never any appreciation for the things I did for him.. and I did a lot. Way too much. I guess, in retrospect, I was looking for a reward (relationship) in return for all the thing I would do. Silly Me. But live and learn, right? I tend to repeat my relationship mistakes  over and over. I did start dating someone else the last couple months. He’s a great guy from what i’ve seen but what i’ve heard about him is a different story. I’m not going to let that change my mind about him but ill definitely keep it in the back of my head. Not really sure why i haven’t pursued things further with him. He’s an attractive man and meets the 3 requirements 😉 but I just don’t get any lust feelings for him. But besides relationship shit..I need to be focusing on my new business. I stuck right now and can’t figure out a logo that I like. That’s another reason for my 2am party in my mind. I need to just decide on it already so I can get things moving. Well that’s it for now. I’ve been told a journal will help me sleep, but now I have even more happening in my brain. Hopefully ill just pass the fuck out once I save this. 

One thought on “Oh It’s now 2 am again”

  1. If you know a Bible verse by heart, saying it slowly in your mind over and over can quiet your other thoughts and make you more sleepy. I use the Lord’s Prayer or Psalm 23. When I start drifting onto something else in my mind, I just start over. It’s like a mantra. You could give it a try. Best of luck, and may God help you with all your problems and decisions.

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